Five simple rules for taking my snack-sized Snickers | Just Jaggin' | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Five simple rules for taking my snack-sized Snickers

Halloween season is upon us. Children across America will be yet again begging for candy in preparation for the inevitable collapse of the global economy and food supply due to untaxed corporate dollars being spent on space tourism. To prepare for my neighborhood turning into a Hooverville, I only ask a few small favors. 

Please, walk across my lawn instead of using the walkway. It’s the shortest distance to my door, and that’s how we can most efficiently complete the transaction. To hell with that grass. Take that, dad! 

Don’t want to say, “trick or treat?” Cool. I’m not that fond of hearing it anyway, especially if you are forcing it. No one likes a phony. Not interested in making eye contact? I feel ya. These kids are going to have to make so much unwanted eye contact through the course of their unfulfilling careers; I’m not going to make them do it.   

When I was a kid (*grumble, grumble), one piece of candy, a McDees $1 gift certificate, or an apple with a razor blade in it was standard fare. We took it and ate around the razor. But I’m not Strom Thurmond. Times change. Candy comes in such mass quantities that we can move Snickers like Levin’s moves mattresses on Flag Day. As a Halloween progressive, I even let kids reach in and grab what they like. Nobody wants those Tootsie Rolls that are snuck into every variety pack.

Just follow these simple rules, and you won’t force me to complain about you behind closed doors:

•Don’t be aggressively grabby. Some kids fire their hands into the bowl like a cobra striking a mongoose. You know who grabs at candy like it’s going to disappear? The Trump children, that’s who. And they’re in their 30s and probably going to jail. There’s enough candy for everyone. I’m not going to pull the bowl away. Though, typing that made it sound fun. I might pull the bowl away. 

•If you want more than one piece of candy, just ask. You will get as much as you want based on supply and demand.

•Let the little kids in there first. They’re small and fragile and usually have the cutest costumes.

•If you dressed as “yourself” for Halloween, don’t mention it. I run a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy at my house. If you were too lazy to think up a costume, I’m far too lazy to ask you what your deal is.

•Say “thanks.”

Most of all, kids, have fun out there. Wear whatever makes you happy. Eat as much candy as your parents permit and maybe sneak a little after you're cut off. You only live once, unless you’re dressed as a zombie or some other undead.

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