Donald J. Trump
President of the United States
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Editor, Pittsburgh City Paper
650 Smithfield St.
Please accept this letter as my formal application for the position of White House Communications Director. I know this position has been a bit of a hassle for you to fill, but I think that I am the right person to control that office without contributing to the massive pile of shit that you have created through your infantile “leadership” style and socially backward policies that are sure to drive the country into a white-bread, screw-the-poor, fuck-the-environment idiocracy.
I think you are having trouble filling this position because your standards are too high. Now, I don’t mean that you are a man of strong convictions; that’s obviously not the case. You want a communications director who will parrot your asinine ideas and phrases, and back your play when you start talking nonsense about immigrants and tweeting about “fake news” and de facto confirmation of leaked reports about North Korean intel on Fox News (that’s a bit hypocritical, by the way). Anyway, I have a three-pronged approach to getting the communications office and the country back on track.
- At my first press briefing, I will stand behind Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Stephen Miller and knock their heads together Three Stooges-style. This move will raise the public’s confidence in the office because, trust me, they’ve been wanting to do it themselves.
- Each night at 11 p.m., I will force you to put on boxing gloves and then handcuff your hands together. This will prevent you from tweeting stupid crap overnight. I know you think people want to see what gold nuggets you’re tweeting, but they don’t. According to an Aug. 8 national CNN poll, the majority of Americans, including 50 percent of Republicans, think your tweets are harmful to this country. At this point, everyone knows it but you; but in your defense, you’re an imbecile.
- This step is the key component to tie the whole plan together: I will write your resignation letter.
PS. If you’ve already filled this position by the time this issue is printed, hit me up when you fire them next week.