Curry That’ll Make You Hot for Yourself | Food | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Curry That’ll Make You Hot for Yourself

Dance in whatever outfit makes you feel like the hottest piece of ass in Pittsburgh.

click to enlarge Cauliflower curry - PHOTO COURTESY OF KELLY ANDREWS
Photo courtesy of Kelly Andrews
Cauliflower curry

I don’t normally associate the word “cauliflower” with self-gratification, but this curry is so delicious, it’ll make you want to strip down and go to town on yourself after eating it. You won’t even think about your ex this time. Hell, you might even pull out a mirror and watch yourself, this cauliflower curry is that good.


  • 1 head of cauliflower (see, vegetables can sound sexy)
  • 1 small potato
  • 4 tbsp. vegetable oil
  • 4 tbsp. vegetable oil
  • 1 tsp. ground turmeric
  • ½ tsp. ground cumin
  • ½ tsp. ground coriander
  • ½ tsp. cayenne pepper
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • ½ onion, chopped thin
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1¼ cups water
  • 1 medium-sized tomato, chopped
  • 2 tbsp. lemon juice
  • 2 cups rice (boxed or bagged)


Think about making this dish as going on an elaborate date with yourself. For the prep part, cleaning up is always a good start. Scrub potato and boil until almost tender, about 5 minutes. Wash cauliflower and chop into small florets. Prepare rice according to directions on package and set aside. Heat oil in a large skillet; add turmeric, cumin, coriander, cayenne, garlic and onions. Sauté over medium heat, stirring occasionally, for 3 or 4 minutes. Turn on some music that gets you in the mood. I recommend Glass Animals’ “Gooey” to get your body limber. Add cauliflower and sauté, stirring often, for about 4 or 5 minutes. Then add salt and water, and cover the pan tightly. Allow curry to simmer while covered for about 5 minutes. Cube potato and add to pan. Cover again and simmer for 10 minutes. Put on some lipstick, and dance in whatever outfit makes you feel like the hottest piece of ass in Pittsburgh. Add the tomato and lemon juice, and stir uncovered over medium heat for another few minutes. Serve immediately over rice. Optional: a few drops of yogurt or sour cream mixed in with extra lemon juice on top. And remember, there are plenty of ways to satiate one’s appetite.

Kelly Andrews is a poet who plans to stick around Pittsburgh indefinitely. You can find more sad, healthy (and funny) meals on her blog

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