City Paper presents Letters to Pittsburgh Santa | News | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

City Paper presents Letters to Pittsburgh Santa

“Could you bring the Port Authority a watch so they can at least make them buses run on time.”

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Dear Santa,

Can you please help me achieve victory in my lawsuit against my former employer WTAE? Their decision to fire me was a clear case of reverse racism. All News Anchor Lives Matter!


Wendy Bell

Dear Santa,

Can you please convince millennials that they can’t become good filmmakers by studying online? That maybe an actual class or two might be in order? If this works out, we won’t need to ask you for tuition in our stockings next year, too. Thanks.


Pittsburgh Filmmakers

Dear Santa,

You leave coal for bad kids, but any chance you could also hide it from Donald Trump and his pals in the mining industry? The air was just starting to get a little more breathable around here (from subbing out coal with fracked natural gas, but still). I don’t mind you delivering coal, because none of it actually gets burnt at a power plant. But the fossil fools are convinced the best place for all the soot and mercury is coming out of our local smokestacks, and I’d feel a lot better if that didn’t happen.


A. Lung

Dear Santa,

Please help Pittsburgh Pirates management see the error in even discussing trading players like Andrew McCutchen and Josh Harrison. Despite last season’s hiccup, the Pirates have really turned things around. The team’s former general managers were laugh-out-loud terrible. Those idiots traded away talent like Aramis Ramirez for peanuts; forgot to protect top minor-league talent and had them essentially stolen away; gave huge unwarranted contracts to guys like Jason Kendall; drafted mediocre-to-bad players like the time they took pitcher Bryan Bullington over future baseball All-Stars like BJ Upton, Zach Grienke, Prince Fielder, Scott Kazmir, Nick Swisher and Cole Hamels; and signed past-their-prime free agents like Derek Bell, Benito Santiago and Jeromy Burnitz. And Santa, those were just in the horrific Dave Littlefield years. So, Santa, please send the current management team some history lessons so they won’t repeat the sins of their predecessors.

Yours truly,

Dave Littlefield, Former Pirates General Manager

Dear Santa,

Please bring me the Democratic Party endorsement for mayor.

Holler at your girl,

Pittsburgh City Councilor Darlene Harris

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a new No. 84 Steelers jersey with my new name on it. 

Your pal,

Ronald Ocean, formerly Antonio Brown

Dear Santa,

Please send me a new copy of Norton Anti-Virus to avoid our computers getting hacked again. If not, please leave 200 bitcoin for future ransoms.

Thank you,

Stephen Zappala, Allegheny County District Attorney

Dear Santa,

We wanted to apologize up front for our paper’s recent endorsement of the Tooth Fairy as this country’s top present-bringer. We know it doesn’t make sense. You have a track record of faithful service to this country. Through your years of experience, you have an intimate knowledge of the entire gift-delivering system. Things have been crazy around here in the past couple years, but you have to know that the paper’s endorsement is that of our editorial board and they’ve made some questionable calls lately. Anyway, we understand you might want to BLOCK some of our gifts this year, but just know the rest of us don’t always share this publication’s opinions.

Respectfully yours,

The non-editorial board employees and the outnumbered rational editorial-board members of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

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