City Paper presents Letters to Pittsburgh Santa | News | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

City Paper presents Letters to Pittsburgh Santa

“Could you bring the Port Authority a watch so they can at least make them buses run on time.”

Pittsburgh Santa (Terry Jones) and his large-ish elf (Mike Wyosocki)
Pittsburgh Santa (Terry Jones) and his large-ish elf (Mike Wyosocki)

We know what you’re thinking — “Hey, you guys did this last year, and Santa looked different.” Well, you are right on both counts. Just like last year, we obtained, a.k.a. completely made up, correspondence from folks across the region to Pittsburgh Santa and his large-ish elf. And you were also right that Pittsburgh Santa does look different this year — he got a new haircut. 

Dear Santa,

Change is coming. At least that’s what the 51 bus I take to and from Downtown every day tells me. I’ve heard the audio announcement on the bus, drowning out the bee-bopping of the rap music blaring from the kids’ music machines. Apparently starting January 1, if I use cash instead of a Connect Card, I’ll be charged an extra 25 cents. And from now on, I’m supposed to pay every time I get on the bus, instead of only paying when I get on the bus on my way to town, and when I get off the bus on my way back, unless I’m leaving town after 7, in which case I’d have to pay getting on. Jumpin’ Jiminy Santa, I’ve been riding this bus for 42 years and now I have to consult a Magic 8-Ball to figure out when to pay and how much! I can’t do nothin’ to stop this, Santa, but maybe you could bring the Port Authority a watch so they can at least make them buses run on time. If I have to change, so do they!

Yours truly,

Anita Transfer

Dear Santa,

Could you please bring us 14 paper bags to wear over our heads to hide our shame? WTF, Duquesne??? REALLY???

Shamefully yours,

The Pitt Men’s basketball team




Dear Santa,

It’s been a rough year with my boss “business partner” cutting my pay; on some days I make less than minimum wage. I still get to meet a lot of great Pittsburghers and see so much of our beautiful city, but I am working longer hours just to make ends meet. On top of all that, I now have to compete with robot cars that are getting smarter every day. They can’t make a “Pittsburgh left” yet, but it’s only a matter of time, and once they do, we’re all DEAD!!! Please send us weapons to wipe out the robots before it’s too late.

Sincerely,

I. M. Screwed

Dear Santa,

Thanks for getting rid of Chief Cameron McLay. He was too hard on us.

Sincerely,

Pittsburgh Police Officers union members

Dear Santa,

Thanks for getting rid of Chief Cameron McLay. He was too hard on us.

Sincerely,

Pittsburgh criminals

Dear Santa,

What I want this year is simple: I want you to save Pittsburgh. 

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up on the local news recently, but a coalition of libs in Pittsburgh are trying to impose illegal changes before our president-elect takes office, and I will not stand for it. 

According to pghRIGHT.nets, “Mayor Peduto exploring secession from Pa., and is introducing a law to make straight people illegal.” 

Even the liberal pea-brains at MSNBC.website correctly reported that “Black Lives Matter riots cause cancer in whites.” 

And most disturbingly, via an op-ed on YinzerInsight.co, “Pitt’s safe space policy made my son even gayer.” What is happening to my city?

You need to do something because this will affect you as well. If “Mayor” Billy Pedutes had his way, you’d surely be outlawed or forced to wear a yarmulke and smoke pot while saying “Happy Holidays” like a communist. Over my dead body. You need to do something. 

This is all I ask for this year. God bless you and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Amanda Huggenkiss

Dear Santa,

Earlier this year I got into some trouble for plagiarizing and a little bit of fibbing on my résumé. I know I should be on your naughty list, but I’m hoping you can overlook my misdeeds and send me a professional résumé writer so I won’t make the same mistake next time. And now, I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom that I first developed in my thesis on Common Core-aligned holidays: “Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas.” 

Sincerely,

Pittsburgh Public Schools Superintendent Anthony Hamlet




Dear Santa,

I don’t go anywhere unless there is a big-ass parking lot for my Toyota Sequoia. I know the new Whole Foods in East Liberty will have a bigger parking lot than the current one on Centre Avenue, which is great, but I was wondering if there was a children’s hospital or senior center to tear down to make way for an even bigger store with an even larger and better parking lot. Maybe a lot with special conveyor belts that takes me directly to the store entrance, so I don’t even have to walk the 100 or so feet to load my groceries. 

In fact, maybe you could make sure the government subsidies that were used to build the senior center could be reallocated to purchase electric scooters for able-bodied shoppers like me, so I don’t even have to stand up to purchase my $7 asparagus water. 

Sincerely,

A Pittsburgh Whole Foods Shopper

Dear Santa,

Can you please help me achieve victory in my lawsuit against my former employer WTAE? Their decision to fire me was a clear case of reverse racism. All News Anchor Lives Matter!

XOXO, 

Wendy Bell

Dear Santa,

Can you please convince millennials that they can’t become good filmmakers by studying online? That maybe an actual class or two might be in order? If this works out, we won’t need to ask you for tuition in our stockings next year, too. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Pittsburgh Filmmakers

Dear Santa,

You leave coal for bad kids, but any chance you could also hide it from Donald Trump and his pals in the mining industry? The air was just starting to get a little more breathable around here (from subbing out coal with fracked natural gas, but still). I don’t mind you delivering coal, because none of it actually gets burnt at a power plant. But the fossil fools are convinced the best place for all the soot and mercury is coming out of our local smokestacks, and I’d feel a lot better if that didn’t happen.

Hopefully

A. Lung

Dear Santa,

Please help Pittsburgh Pirates management see the error in even discussing trading players like Andrew McCutchen and Josh Harrison. Despite last season’s hiccup, the Pirates have really turned things around. The team’s former general managers were laugh-out-loud terrible. Those idiots traded away talent like Aramis Ramirez for peanuts; forgot to protect top minor-league talent and had them essentially stolen away; gave huge unwarranted contracts to guys like Jason Kendall; drafted mediocre-to-bad players like the time they took pitcher Bryan Bullington over future baseball All-Stars like BJ Upton, Zach Grienke, Prince Fielder, Scott Kazmir, Nick Swisher and Cole Hamels; and signed past-their-prime free agents like Derek Bell, Benito Santiago and Jeromy Burnitz. And Santa, those were just in the horrific Dave Littlefield years. So, Santa, please send the current management team some history lessons so they won’t repeat the sins of their predecessors.

Yours truly,

Dave Littlefield, Former Pirates General Manager




Dear Santa,

Please bring me the Democratic Party endorsement for mayor.

Holler at your girl,

Pittsburgh City Councilor Darlene Harris

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a new No. 84 Steelers jersey with my new name on it. 

Your pal,

Ronald Ocean, formerly Antonio Brown

Dear Santa,

Please send me a new copy of Norton Anti-Virus to avoid our computers getting hacked again. If not, please leave 200 bitcoin for future ransoms.

Thank you,

Stephen Zappala, Allegheny County District Attorney

Dear Santa,

We wanted to apologize up front for our paper’s recent endorsement of the Tooth Fairy as this country’s top present-bringer. We know it doesn’t make sense. You have a track record of faithful service to this country. Through your years of experience, you have an intimate knowledge of the entire gift-delivering system. Things have been crazy around here in the past couple years, but you have to know that the paper’s endorsement is that of our editorial board and they’ve made some questionable calls lately. Anyway, we understand you might want to BLOCK some of our gifts this year, but just know the rest of us don’t always share this publication’s opinions.

Respectfully yours,

The non-editorial board employees and the outnumbered rational editorial-board members of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette


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