Burger for the Brokenhearted | Food | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Burger for the Brokenhearted

“Sliced raw onion (you’re single now, live it up)”

I highly recommend electric grills for anyone with an irrational fear of house fires. There’s no open flame, it warms and cools quickly, and it’s perfect for this dish to get you through your next breakup. Also, with all the money you’ll save not eating out with that “someone special,” it’s wise to invest in something that will outlast your next relationship.


  • 1 lb. lean ground hamburger
  • pineapple slices
  • cottage cheese
  • sliced raw onion (you’re single now, live it up)
  • pickles
  • 1 tsp. mayo and 1 tsp. barbecue sauce, mixed together

Bun options

  • <1 month after breakup: Eat this on a fresh bun. Cook two burgers, so you can eat the second cold out of the fridge later while you stare out your window questioning all your life decisions.
  • >1 month after breakup: Cut carbs. While you tell your friends that you’re never having sex again and working on body positivity, you will inevitably try some diet while comparing yourself to recently added friends on your ex’s Facebook. Time for a sad, breadless existence.


Halve package of burger and lightly season, folding edges in to create a plump, round burger just like you from months of slothing on the couch with someone who never even said he loved you. Press your thumb into the center of the burger; the Internet recommends this. Spray the shit out of the grill grate with olive oil; throw the burger on the back and cook down, flipping them about every 7 minutes. Possessing a toddler-like attention span, I use a meat thermometer to make sure the meat is an Internet-approved 160 degrees. At some point, I add pineapple slices on a skewer to the mix, flipping it over often.

Once the burger is finished and the pineapple looks softer, spoon some cottage cheese onto a plate, along with your preferred burger toppings. Slide the pineapple onto the cottage cheese, mixing it around a little. Now you’re ready to stare at the empty chair across the table, or change it up and watch videos of cats that act like spies.

Kelly Andrews is a poet who plans to stick around Pittsburgh indefinitely. You can find more sad, healthy (and funny) meals on her blog sadhealthymeals.wordpress.com.