As your host, let me guide you through all the strange behavior that's been documented online over the past week:
Despite the clear idiocy (ingenuity?) of this plan, I must salute our fallen soldier with a mention in this column because of the sheer commitment this required. I mean, can you imagine trying to excavate a little vape cartridge from a jar of peanut butter aka the stickiest and densest substance known to man? That's some serious Indiana Jones shit.
This jar of peanut butter, packed in a checked bag at @PITairport, triggered an alarm. When a @TSA officer investigated why it alarmed, three vape canisters with marijuana that were wrapped in plastic bags were pulled from the jar. TSA isn't searching for drugs, but . . . 1/2 pic.twitter.com/6XgFWhZCJG— Lisa Farbstein, TSA Spokesperson (@TSA_Northeast) August 4, 2022
What’s long, hard, and causing issues with traffic in Squirrel Hill? That’s right: it’s the beams for the Fern Hollow Bridge, take two. This time, hopefully without major structural issues that remain unaddressed for years on end, resulting in an ill-timed national news story on the same day the president comes to the city to give a speech on infrastructure!
No one:— Annie (@AnnieOnTV) August 2, 2022
Everyone in Squirrel Hill stopping what they’re doing to watch the fern hollow bridge beams get delivered: pic.twitter.com/MLRGd81mvK
But hey, I don’t want to get our hopes up.
On one hand, as a social media manager, I have to respect someone who is this open in their place of work. On the other hand, this recalls the meme format “if your lawyer looks like this (oversized blazer, prominent finger rings, JNCO jeans, etc.) you’re going to jail.” If your doctor is asking if you’re having a hot girl summer, I’m sorry, chief, but you’re getting monkeypox!
lol i called central outreach about the monkeypox vax and the provider i reached was like "you should get it if you're having a hot girl summer"— larī (@mothrmushroom) August 2, 2022
(Unrelated: I would love it if they rebranded monkeypox. Not only does it dishonor our simian friends, but it also makes me feel like I’m living in a Children of Men-style dystopian hellscape at least 10 years ahead of schedule. And OK, maybe we are, but I’m trying to pretend like that’s not the case!!! Come on!!!)
Pittsburgh Craiglist right now under the subject line "A very large stuffed creature." The poster writes, "We have run out of room to house this guy. He is clean with one smudgey paw and he is very large. If you want him, you will need a truck or SUV."
Sadly, all other thoughts one might have about this act of enormous generosity are overridden by one haunting question: WHY DOES HE HAVE NIPPLES? WHY DOES HE HAVE NIPPLES??
However, if one of you, dear readers, decides to pick this creature up, please let me know. I need to look into his eyes and learn where he’s been and what he’s seen, and also tell him that monkeypox is not his fault.
Seen anything weird you think is deserving of inclusion in this very serious column that will no doubt land its author the Pulitzer someday? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org!