Savage Love | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love

My advice? Don't make babies with crazy people.

My friend is married, and she has two little kids. Her husband had a rough childhood and has some issues. Since their most recent child was conceived, they have not had sex. He says there is a difference between a lover and a mother, and he refuses to have sex with his wife now because he thinks of her as a mother and not as a lover. She is struggling with this and doesn't know what to do. Any advice?

Miserable Undersexed Mom

My advice? Don't make babies with crazy people. But if your friend doesn't have access to a time machine — or if she does but she's attached to her children — she should inform her husband that she didn't sign up for a sexless marriage. So he'll need to get his ass to a therapist and get over this new hang-up. (Why didn't he have this problem after the birth of his first child?) If counseling doesn't do the trick, your friend should tell her husband that the mother of his children intends to find a guy who will fuck her, a divorce attorney, or a divorce attorney who will fuck her.

One of my wife's nephews recently came out as gay, which is no problem for us, but it created friction in his immediate family. We were at a big extended-family dinner together, and I made a point of smiling warmly in his direction to let him know that my wife and I were allies. He responded with the Hot Steamy Eye-Fuck. And not just once: Every time I looked at that end of the table, I got the HSEF. Maybe he was bored or trying to cause trouble. Is there a look that says, "I'm not interested," or better yet, "Knock it the fuck off"? We want to be supportive without encouraging bad behavior.

Unnerving Nephew Crosses Line

The next time you want to tell a horny 19-year-old gay relative that you're an ally, use your words, e.g., "If you need someone in your corner, you can count on us." A warm smile is likely to be misinterpreted as an invitation to fuck your (closeted-and-dying-for-cock) uncle or fuck with your (well-meaning-but-patronizing) uncle. The best way to communicate "knock it off" is by using words, not your eyes.

I'm a straight woman, married to an awesome guy. Our sex life wasn't always super. At first, he didn't want much sex and had a lot of inhibitions. But I've worked hard at bringing him out of his shell, and the last few years have been great. The problem is he told me he's interested in being dominated. By me. I am so uncomfortable with this idea. He has always been somewhat passive in bed. I assumed that it's because he was shy and embarrassed about sex, but maybe it's more than that. The problem with his passivity is that it totally kills my mood. I don't want to crack a whip (metaphorically or literally) and tell him what to do. How can I give him what he wants?

Dame Not Domme

By sending him to see a pro-domme. You dominate him by ordering him to submit to her, she cracks the literal whip and then orders him to show his gratitude to you — and his submission to you both — by going home and vanilla'ing the shit out of you afterward.

I am a woman and just started dating a great guy. My problem is that I am concerned he might be gay. I tend to be more conservative, and although I have slept over, I banned anything below the belt. He "petted" me over the underwear, and I did the same to him. I also went under his underwear and rubbed my hand around his penis without actually touching it. When I have done this to other guys, they tended to go crazy — writhing, panting and begging. But this elicited no reaction from him, though he was already hard. Am I reading too much into this?

Guessing About Yearnings

How do you stick your hand in a guy's underpants — how do you go under a guy's underwear — without actually touching his cock? Anyway, your new boyfriend did have a physical reaction when you were fooling around: His dick got hard. He didn't have the same over-the-top reaction to your bizarre moves that other guys had, but getting an erection when a girl sticks her hand in your underpants is a pretty good indication a guy isn't gay. It's also possible that he wanted to pant, writhe and beg, but he restrained himself because you had banned "anything below the belt" and your great new boyfriend didn't want you to feel pressured to go further than you were comfortable with.

My wonderful boyfriend and I are both GGG, and we have had a few threesomes involving women, a fantasy both of us shared. My biggest fantasy, however, is to be with two men. But he just doesn't find men attractive and isn't into it. Now a former fling of mine (male) told me that he finds my BF attractive and would love to be with both of us. This would be a wet dream come true! I feel like my BF is nervous about being with another man because (a) he has performance anxiety and/or (b) he's not comfortable exploring his sexuality. If he could get past his insecurities, I feel like he might enjoy himself. Should I just give up this dream?

Wishes He Were A Little Bi

Your boyfriend isn't bi, he's not even heteroflexible, and he's made it clear that he's turned off by the idea of a threesome with another male. Even if you could talk him into it, arranging a threesome with a dude who has expressed a sexual interest in your boyfriend would be disrespectful and potentially disastrous. Drop it.

Dan speaks with New York Times columnist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz on the true demographics of gays in the US: