Pure as a Monkey Hitting You With a Hammer | News | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Pure as a Monkey Hitting You With a Hammer

By Jimmy Cvetic

Kitty came down to the gym
Because a friend who helps lost souls
And stray alley cats asked me to help her.
She was going to jail for a quick minute and
Needed someone to be her soft shoulder.
The bell rang, ending the round
Eight boxers turned and gawked as she stuck out her hand.
"I'm Katherine but my friends call me Kitty."
I stuck out my fist.
"I'm Dog.
Glad to meet you Kitty."
She pounded my fist back.
I looked at her and
Couldn't help noticing she had a fighter's nose
That looks west when the fighter is looking east.
"You used to box?"
She said, "You're staring at my nose.
Nah, I never boxed."
She said, "Oxi-Cottons. I snorted a couple too many."
"A couple?"
She said, "Let's just say I swam with the sharks."
I said, "Katherine is an Irish name.
You Irish?"
"I'm part Irish.
I was named after my Nana and she was from Galway Bay."
I said, "You look Irish.
Your eyes give you away."
She said, "I was in the Irish Smiling Eyes contest
But I didn't win."
I said, "You should have."
"My Nana wants me to get my nose fixed."
Kitty started to pull her nose east and west,
"I have no cartilage,"
With her index finger pushing her nose in like she was ringing a doorbell.
"My Nana said if I get off the Oxi's she'd pay to get it fixed."
I said, "Okay, tell me what happened."
She said, "I got some County time and
Got to turn myself in to do some sit-down."
I said, "All right, you got some sit-down time.
For what?"
She said, "We kinda robbed the lady of her Oxi's."
I said, "Kitty, you kinda my ass.
You robbed the lady.
Let's start again."
She said, "All right we robbed her.
'Cept I didn't know he was going to beat her."
"I left the door unlocked
And he was just supposed to take her safe. Rob her Oxi's. 
'Cept she heard him and tried to stop him and he hit her with the gun."
I asked, "He hit her with the gun?"
Kitty said, "She shouldn't have grabbed him.
He hit her a couple of times."
"A couple of times?"
"He hit her about ten or fifteen times. 
I didn't know he was going to hit her."
I said, "He pistol-whipped her."
"I was scared and I ran out the door."
I said, "Let me guess:
You met up with him later and got your share of the loot?"
She said, "I didn't take any money,
Just got some Oxi's. 
I don't even know how much he took."
I asked, "How many Oxi's?"
She said, "About one hundred."
I said, "That's a stack of Franklins."
She said, "About five thousand, but 
We snorted a few."
"What do you want me to do, Kitty?"
She said, "Can you ask the judge to give me house arrest?
I got a couple of boys that I put on the bus every day.
And I been having seizures."
"You have seizures?"
She said, "Yeah, I did some damage to my brain 
And sometimes I black out and
I don't remember too much after that, 
'Cept when I wake up I have a spoon stuck in my mouth,
So I don't swallow my tongue.
Doctor said I did some damage.
You might say the monkey hit me with a hammer on top of my head."
I said, "Monkeys do that sometimes."
"Can you help me, Dog?"
"I don't know.
You go to meetings?"
"Sometimes, but I help my Nana and
Got to take care of the boys."
I said, "Bullshit your monkey, but don't bullshit me."
She said, "All right, I hate meeting, 
Because all the guys want to fuck me."
I said, "That's what guys do."
She said, "I might be an addict but I ain't no whore."
I said, "All right, get to some meetings and try to
Keep your chastity belt on and
I'll talk to the judge."
She said, "Thanks, Dog."
I asked her, "Did you know the name Katherine means Pure?"
She said, "I didn't know that."
I said, "Me either, but
Between now and sit-down time try to keep your nose clean."
She walked out of the gym
And I could hear the
Tap ... tap ... tap
Of the jump ropes and
Thought of a man planting seeds.

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