Powdered Doughnuts and Peeping Toms | News | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Powdered Doughnuts and Peeping Toms

Not going to tell you that
I never saw a guy with a phonebook on his head,
Balancing a Coca-Cola bottle on top of the phonebook. 
And that I saw a big policeman swing a baseball bat 
And tell the guy,
"Now don't move.
If I get enough power in my swing I can knock the 
Phonebook clean from your head and 
Balance the Coca-Cola bottle."
I'm not going to insult you by telling you that this never happened
Or that we never called a prisoner an A-hole
If it did happen I probably wouldn't tell you
But if it did happen it happened way before they had ACLU.
I think that sometimes lawyers lie
And they know that their clients don't always tell the truth.
And believe it or not sometimes the lawyers get mad
When they think that the police don't tell the truth.
But you must believe me if I was to tell you true, 
That policemen don't never ever lie.
Police don't lie they just see the facts different.
Mostly because they stay up all night while you and your kids sleep
And make sure nobody breaks into your house and steals your dog.
Guess you wouldn't believe that I was with Detective Seamus one night when
We caught a guy peeking through a woman's window.
Seamus grabbed the guy by the leg and tried to pull him from the tree
Because we knew that the guy wasn't supposed to be peeking through a woman's window
Especially while she was taking a shower. 
Anyway there was a big steel cable holding the tree up
And when Detective Seamus tried to pull the guy's leg and arm
The guy's arm was hung over the steel cable. 
When he tried to pull the guy from the tree
The pervert was launched seven feet high into the air.
The more Seamus pulled the guy, the more the guy shot skyward
And the madder Detective Seamus got because he thought the little voyeur was fighting. 
The guy must have boinged at least ten times
Kind of like a yoyo
Up and down
Up and down
And Detective Seamus said, "Come on out that tree you little pervert."
Don't want to tell you I didn't know what was going on
Because I was laughing tears and so were the other detectives because we knew
The guy had a steel cable under his arm.
I ain't going to tell you the other detectives were Detective Simon and
Detective Delany and they can verify what I say is true or not.
Because everybody knows that the police have a code of silence.
At least I think they do but to tell you the truth I'm not really sure.
Mostly because if you have a good partner
You write an unwritten agreement never to fart in the patrol car.
Another secret I can tell you
Only rookies eat powdered doughnuts because
An old shoe can tell you that you'll get white powder sugar on your blue shirt
And sure enough sergeant will know you was eating doughnuts.
Mostly the sergeant will get mad because you didn't bring him a doughnut.
And in case you had to chase a burglar down the street
Too many doughnuts can slow you down.
Detective Seamus did finally get the little pervert form the tree
And maybe he did throw the guy over the hood of a car
Cuff him and take the Peeping Tom to jail.
I just can't remember and
Got to tell you I'm not fibbing it's just sometimes I'm careless with the truth
And never farted on my partner in the patrol car.
But sure as you can balance a Coke bottle on a drug dealer's head
There are perverts that peek at women taking showers and I know that's against the law.
But please don't ever tell a lawyer because they might fix me good
Because they'd think I'd be lying and keeping secrets.

Disability Pride
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Disability Pride

By Mars Johnson