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Savage Love

“Never be ashamed about having smaller-than-average hands.”

I’m a woman who watches porn — we do exist — and I have a mad crush on a male porn star named Small Hands. Unfortunately, his videos focus less on his handsome face and more on some girl’s ass. Do! Not! Want! Is there a way to ask a porn star to please make a few movies in a certain way? I would like to see some movies that feature less of her and more of him!

Salivating About Male Performer’s Lovely Exterior

“I work with anyone I get hired to work with. I don’t have just one costar,” says Small Hands, porn star, filmmaker and composer. But the ass you’re referring to, SAMPLE, the ass Small Hands has been seen with most, is the one that belongs to his fiancée, Joanna Angel, the porn star/director/producer who pioneered the “alt-porn” genre.

“I got into porn because I started dating her,” Small Hands told me after I read him your question. “I’ve been performing for three years, and my GF has been in the game for 12 years. She really put alt-porn on the map — she was the first girl with tattoos to appear on the cover of Hustler magazine.” (Please note: “Alt-porn” has nothing to do with “alt-right.” The alt-right is about racism, anti-Semitism and orange fascists — and alt-porn is about tattoos, piercings and sexy fuckers.)

Regardless of whose ass it is, SAMPLE, you want to see less girl ass and more Small Hands face. Could he make that happen for you?

“Plenty of performers have clips-for-sale stores on their websites, and some make custom video clips for fans,” Small Hands says. “But I can’t provide special clips for this fan — as much as I would love to — because running our company and editing the films and composing music for them doesn’t leave us much time for anything else.”

If you want to watch porn that focuses more on guys, Small Hands recommends “porn for women” or “porn for couples.”

“I strongly dislike these terms,” says Small Hands, “as I feel they are outdated, sexist and stereotypical. No one — man or woman — should tell a woman which kind of porn is for her and which kind isn’t. Any pornographic film that a woman finds arousing or entertaining is ‘porn for women.’ But these films do tend to give the guys a little more screen time. Also, there’s always gay porn, which focuses 100 percent on men, so no worry about seeing a lady butt in those movies.”

While we’re on the subject of porn: If you look at Small Hands’ Twitter account — or the Twitter account of any porn performer working today — you’ll notice that most have “NO ON 60” as their avatar. Proposition 60 is a ballot measure in California that is ostensibly about protecting porn performers by requiring them to use condoms and mandates penalties for companies and performers that don’t. “It’s really meant to drive the porn industry out of California under the guise of performer safety,” says Small Hands. 

Before I let Small Hands get off the phone, I had to ask him about his nom de porn. How did “Small Hands” become his porn name?

“I have tiny hands for a grown-ass man,” said Small Hands, “and Joanna makes fun of me for it. I wrote it down on the forms when I made my first films. It’s kind of a dumb name, but you won’t forget it.”

Any advice for any, say, orange fascists out there who might be insecure about having tiny hands?

“Never be ashamed about having smaller-than-average hands,” said Small Hands. “He should own it. And perspective is your friend, Donald. Put those tiny hands down next to your dick, and your dick is going to look bigger!”

A woman I follow on Instagram — whose account is open for all to follow — shares highly sexualized images of herself daily, e.g., pictures of her at the beach, pictures of her when she’s just waking up, pictures of her in a towel after a shower. Via direct message, I politely inquired about purchasing a pair of her used panties. She sent me a very rude note in response and then blocked me. I find this hypocritical, considering the highly sexualized nature of the photos she posts. She reads your column, something I know because she posted a photo of one, and I am writing to you in hopes that you will scold this woman for being so hypocritically prudish and also ask her to unblock me.

Personally Hurt Over This Occurrence

She may be a reader, PHOTO, but you’re clearly not. Because I’m on her side, not yours, which any regular reader could have predicted. Someone sharing photos of themselves at the beach, in bed, out of the shower, etc., doesn’t entitle you to their panties any more than someone sharing photos from their colonoscopy entitles you to their turds. There’s no shortage of women online selling their panties, PHOTO; direct your inquiries to them.

I think you got things wrong with CUCKS, the man whose husband got upset when he reacted with excitement when his husband shared a fantasy about sleeping with another man. I think CUCKS’ husband got upset because he only wanted more attention from his husband. Maybe CUCKS’ husband fantasizes about cheating because he wants someone to want him intensely and he doesn’t feel his partner wants him intensely enough. Telling his partner about his fantasy may have just been an attempt to get his partner to show some emotional intensity.

Tuesday Morning Advice Columning

If you’re correct, TMAC, I would advise CUCKS to dump his husband — because who wants to be with someone who plays those kinds of mind games? A person who lies about having a particular fantasy and then shames or guilts their partner for having the wrong reaction isn’t a person worth sharing fantasies with, much less a life.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with his brother, professor Bill Savage, about our nation’s historical fear of immigrants:

Hands off Rafah protest in East Liberty
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Hands off Rafah protest in East Liberty

By Mars Johnson