I am a gay man and have been in a relationship with my GGG boyfriend for more than three years. I just discovered that he has been engaging in what can only be described as cyber infidelity. He had a secret email account, posted on Craigslist M4M, and had an Adam4Adam account. He would exchange photos and engage in conversations with other men. He claims he never met with any of them and it was just to exchange photos. He let me look at his secret email account, and there was nothing that pointed to any physical meet-ups. I asked him to delete his accounts, and he did. I am completely shocked. I understand if he wants to look at porn (I certainly do), but the quantity and secrecy of his actions is obviously not healthy. Where do I go from here, and what steps should I take to make sure it stops?
Stressing Over Cyber Infidelity
It isn't true that your boyfriend's actions can "only be described as cyber infidelity." They could be described as "harmless online flirtations." But you've chosen to slap the "infidelity" label on his actions, and now you feel compelled to have a my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me meltdown.
If your boyfriend stopped at a bar to have a cocktail, and people flirted with him, and he flirted back — and that's all he did — would that constitute an "appletini infidelity"? If some guys looked him up and down in the locker room, and he looked those guys up and down back, would that constitute a "cardio infidelity"? No and no — and a boyfriend who flipped out about those interactions would be regarded as jealous, insecure and controlling.
Is it that your boyfriend jacked off thinking about other guys? You jack off thinking about other guys when you watch porn. Is it that he jacked off thinking about and interacting with guys he could have IRL? Lots of guys in monogamous relationships — gay, straight or bi — jack off about people they interacted with and could have IRL.
Ask your boyfriend to knock this shit off because it goobs you out. But don't round this "online flirtation" up to "cyber infidelity" unless you want to make yourself miserable. And don't police your boyfriend's online activities — snooping is the only way to "make sure it stops" — unless you want to get dumped.
I'm in my mid-40s. About two years ago, I had a one-night stand with a 19-year-old college student who placed an ad on Craigslist. He was charming, intelligent and fun. I was surprised to learn that he hoped to pursue a career in my profession. I gave him some advice, and we went our separate ways. Flash forward two years. We are looking for some temporary intern-type help, and we got a résumé from a qualified person looking for a summer job. We brought the candidate in for an interview. To my surprise, the applicant was the one-night stand. We obviously did not discuss our prior meeting during the interview, but by the look on his face, my guess was that he was as surprised as I was. He handled himself well in the interview. My supervisor intends to hire him. I would be his supervisor, but our contact would be almost exclusively via email. My instinct is that our one-night stand shouldn't disqualify him from the job. What are your thoughts? Any red flags?
Nervous Supervisor Anxious
Lots of red flags — I could spin out a few Worst Case Scenarios — but the kid is qualified, he handled himself (and only himself) well during the interview, and your supervisor plans to hire him. Under the circumstances, I don't see how you can avoid supervising this guy. What would you say to your supervisor? "I sometimes cruise Craigslist looking for young-but-legal ass, and I fucked this kid a couple of years ago, so ... let's interview a few more candidates, and hopefully I won't have fucked any of them."
I agree the kid shouldn't be penalized for a consensual one-night stand. So have a quick face-to-face word with your new hire on his first day. Acknowledge the awkwardness privately and verbally (put nothing in writing), tell him the hiring decision wasn't yours and he got the gig on his merits, and close with something like this: "Things between us will be strictly professional, of course — and, hey, crazy coincidence, huh?" Then stick to emails for the duration of his internship.
Grain of salt: I've never had a corporate job, so my advice could be total crap.
I'm a gay man who is about to turn 35. Being halfway to 70 is freaking me out. The gay world is obsessed with youth and beauty. If you don't have a tight ass and ripped abs and a hot cock, you have nothing to contribute. Why is the gay world so shallow?
One Very Enraged Romantic
Ed Murray was 58 years old when he became mayor of Seattle. Larry Kramer was 52 when he inspired the founding of ACT UP. Bayard Rustin was 51 when he organized the historic 1963 March on Washington. Harvey Milk was 47 when he was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. Barney Frank was 41 when he was first elected to Congress in 1981, and 73 when he retired last year. Neil Patrick Harris was 41 when he won a Tony Award for starring in the Broadway revival of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Jonathan Capehart was 40 when he became a member of the Washington Post's editorial board in 2007. Tony Kushner was 37 when he won the Pulitzer Prize for Angels in America. George Takei (77), RuPaul (53), Andrew Sullivan (50), Andy Cohen (46), Jared Polis (39) — I could go on.
If you don't think gay men over 35 have anything to contribute, then it's not the "gay world" that's shallow, it's you.
On this week's Savage Lovecast: Spanking, cheating, pervy cousins, and sleeping with the cab driver: savagelovecast.com
