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Savage Love

For many kinksters, bondage and kink play is sex.

Two questions.

1. Recently, I went to a bar with my brother and encountered a friend from high school. My brother told me that toward the end of the night, my friend followed him into the bathroom and made a drunken pass (which apparently involved a clumsy grab at his penis). My inclination is to ignore the issue. If my friend is closeted or bi-curious, I feel like I should respect his privacy. Advice?

2. My bisexual girlfriend wants to take me to a gay bar. I feel like hanging out at a gay club would be somewhat dishonest and touristy. Is my apprehension warranted?

Basic Respect Offered Sincerely

1. If your friend had managed to make a respectful pass at your brother, then I could endorse respecting your friend's privacy in turn. But your friend cornered your brother in a toilet and grabbed his cock. That's not OK, and someone needs to make it clear that there are consequences for behaving like that. Outing himself to you as gay or bi and an asshole was the consequence this time, but he could wind up assaulted or facing sexual-assault charges if the drunken cock-grabbing continues.

2. Most gay men don't mind seeing girls with straight boyfriends in gay dance/party bars and clubs, but girls and unavailable/apprehensive straight boys ruin the vibe in darker, sleazier gay pickup joints. Stick to the party palaces (dance floors and drag shows), avoid the pickup joints (hard rock and trough urinals), and you'll be fine.

I suspect my boyfriend of seven months loves his 9-year-old dog more than me. I am 54 and divorced twice. He is 57 and has been divorced three times. I am jealous of the way he treats his dog. I have even told him so. Is it worth my time and energy to wait for my boyfriend to start treating me better?

Neglected Human Girlfriend

Your boyfriend has been "with" his dog for nine years, and with you for only seven months. Considering his track record with human females — divorced three times — he might be less self-conscious about showing affection for his dog. You don't mention what he's doing for his dog that he doesn't do for you (table scraps? belly rubs? shock collars?), but the longer you "wait around," the more demonstrably affectionate your boyfriend is likely to become. But I can't imagine he'll want you around at all if you continue to waste time and energy being jealous of his dog.

My fiancé wants to see me oiled up and glistening. What should we be using to get a glossy, oiled-up look that lasts? Is there a name for the kink for glossy, formfitting things? He'd also like to see me in a super-shiny catsuit made of latex, but we're poor students and can't afford one.

Wants To Shine

Bodybuilders grease themselves up with baby oil — which gets all over everything and requires frequent reapplication. But there's a less messy way to achieve the super-shiny look: Google "shiny zentai suit" and "metallic zentai suit," and you'll find dozens of websites that sell catsuits made out of Lycra, not latex, which are easier to put on than latex catsuits, far easier to clean and a lot cheaper. At, just one of many sites, you'll find dozens of different zentai suits for less than $50, with some less than $25. Even a poor student could afford those.

I saw an ad for an escort who was possibly the hottest woman I've ever seen. But instead of asking for a session, I offered to take her out to dinner. She agreed to the date, and we had a lot of fun. She asked me what I did for a living, and I told her. I then asked if she liked what she did for a living, and she responded that she just worked in a department store. Most escorts are pretty subtle in their ads, so she may think I'm innocent enough not to have realized that she's an escort. Or she knows I know but didn't want to mention it. Either way, we've been on a few dates since, and at some point, I'd like to tell her that I know and I'm OK with it. Should I?

Not A John

It's possible this woman works in a department store and does escorting on the side to make ends meet. (Most full-time sex workers would regard "willing to date guys who contact me via my escort ad" as the mark of either a novice or an ends-meeter.) She already knows you're OK with her doing sex work — you did contact her via her escort ad — but if you want to let her know that you don't have a problem with it, tell her. But don't assume or imply that she lied to you about working in a department store.

A lot of kink and fetish events and parties are not sex-friendly — it is standard to get tied up and smacked around while still remaining within the bounds of one's marriage vows. But if you are going to an event that is promoted as "sex-friendly," and you have arranged to meet someone there for, say, an extended rope-bondage session, how do you broach the issue of being "out of commission" for sex? It seems rude to string someone along (ha!), but I'm not sure what to do.

New To Kink Scenes

Use your words. Whether a kink party you're attending is sex-friendly or not, you should tell your play partners in advance that you're only up for bondage and kink play. For many kinksters, bondage and kink play is sex, so it won't be an issue. You should make your limits clear before playing in any context — someone who takes you to a no-intercourse-allowed party might be expecting to take you home for sex afterward — and decline to play with anyone who balks.

On this week's Savage Lovecast, Dan talks bondage with kinkster trailblazer Midori: