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Savage Love

Regular and intense bondage sessions are the bigger ask in terms of time and effort. But a threesome, even just one, is going to be a bigger ask emotionally.

Settle this for us: Which is the bigger ask — a one-time, once-in-a-lifetime threesome or regular (and pretty damn elaborate) bondage sessions?

Ruling On Private Enquiry Required

Let me guess: Your partner is into bondage, and you're not. But you've been tying him/her/some-other-point-along-the-gender-spectrum up for months, years or decades ... and the partner regards your request for a once-in-a-lifetime threesome as too much to ask.

Regular and intense bondage sessions are the bigger ask in terms of time and effort — particularly if I guessed wrong, ROPER, and you're the person who's getting tied up even though bondage isn't your thing. But a threesome, even just one, is going to be a bigger ask emotionally for most people. While the former requires patience and endurance, the latter requires revisiting feelings about monogamy, sharing your partner with another person, etc.

I am a hetero male. I had a female FWB for several months. She started dating a new guy, and he asked that she stop talking to me. That seems like a red flag. If he'd asked that we stop having sex, that would be one thing, but asking her to end the friendship seems like a warning sign of a controller. Should I say anything to her?

Can't Understand Lover's Loss

Isolating a partner from family and friends is a classic abuser move — but asking a girl you've just started dating to cut off a friend she's been fucking for months isn't necessarily an abuser move. If he's asking her to cut off non-FWB friends and family members in addition to you, you should speak to her. But if it's only you, then it's just garden-variety insecurity on the new BF's part. Let your friend know that you hope you can re-establish your friendship once her new BF is feeling more secure, or is out of the picture.

Hetero female. I cannot orgasm when I have been drinking. Isn't that the opposite problem of most women? Also, what is a bad mama jama?

Where Did O Go?

Shakespeare diagnosed your problem centuries ago: Boozing "provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance." As for "bad mama jama," I wasn't familiar with the expression — first guess: a Martin Lawrence comedy about a male FBI agent who goes undercover as the first black woman to edit the Journal of the American Medical Association — but the Google tells me it's a song about something or other.

My boyfriend and I have been having problems. I am too critical, and he has "erectile dysfunction," a.k.a. issues getting and staying hard. But I recently discovered that he can get hard in an instant by licking my feet or using them to masturbate! This is great! I want to explore this with him, but I can't find enough information on the Internet on how to support him. Any advice?

Truly Over Erotic Slump

Your boyfriend doesn't have "erectile dysfunction," TOES. Like millions of men presumed to have ED, he simply wasn't doing the things that turn him on. Now that he is, he doesn't have any issues getting and staying hard. And you don't need anything off the Internet. You already have everything you need to support him: those lovely feet of yours and your supportive, sex-positive attitude. Have fun.

At my 50th birthday party, my older brother announced to everyone — including my new wife, our parents and his teenage son — that I used to wear women's clothes. I was humiliated and deeply hurt. I wanted to punch him and tell all his secrets. But I didn't. Now I am planning to humiliate him on a special occasion of his. Childish, but what else can I do to save face?

Devastated In Denver

You could've saved face by saying something like: "Yeah, I was quite the pervert back then, but weren't we all at that age?" Your parents, your new wife, et al. would've imagined your brother doing something much worse than wearing women's clothes. But it's too late for that comeback. My advice now: Pick a special, solemn occasion — your brother's anniversary party, midnight mass, his son's graduation — and show up in full fuckin' drag.

I'm a 33-year-old lesbian. A year ago, my partner and I split up for five months. During that time, I dated a girl while my partner engaged in multiple sexual relationships — all with men. We ended up getting back together. One problem keeps me from moving on: I am the only woman my partner has been with, and I can't stop thinking about the fact that she spent so much "quality time" with so many men. I can't help but wonder if she's bi or straight! We are a year into our "new" relationship and we never have sex. I initiated sex a week ago — the first time we've had sex in four months! — and she came, I didn't, and she didn't care. Any time I try to talk about it, she gets defensive and tells me that she is attracted to me and doesn't like sex with guys. What do I do?

Fixing To Explode

Thought experiment: Let's pretend your girlfriend is a lesbian. (Why not? Your girlfriend does.) What kind of a lesbian GF is she? The kind who doesn't fuck you much, sucks in bed on those rare occasions when she does fuck you, and manipulates you to keep you from calling her on her bullshit. Your GF — lesbian or not — is selfish and making you miserable. End it.

I'm a submissive gay boy into puppy play. And I have a huge crush on a certain sex-advice columnist and his crazy-hot husband. How do I get to be their owned puppy?

Boy After Real Kinks

Good news, BARK! Terry says we can get a puppy! But he says we'll have to get our puppy fixed. That's a big ask, I realize, but we wanna be responsible dog-owners.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan speaks with porn-industry director, performer and producer Joanna Angel at

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