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Savage Love

Your fantasy isn't normative. But no one's sexual fantasy is.

I am trying to understand some sexual fantasies I have. They involve having sex with a woman who has a penis. Sometimes I fantasize that my wife grew a penis. The fantasies started when we first tried pegging a few years ago. We recently had our first child and can no longer find the time for such kinky sex. These fantasies have caused a strain in our relationship, and I don't understand why I am having them or what I should do about them. I do not want to engage in a relationship with another person, I just want to know if it's normal to have these fantasies.

Confused But Hopeful

Normal? No, most men don't fantasize about their wives sprouting penises, so your fantasy isn't normative. But no one's sexual fantasy is. Fantasies are subjective and personal. Even the most common appeal only to small subsets of people.

Here's what you should do about your fantasies for now: Shut up and fantasize about them. Your sex life has taken a hit because you're new parents. And considering what that pegging awoke in you, your wife may be experiencing pegger's remorse right now. She may worry your fantasies will ultimately lead to cheating or leaving — not something a new mom (or dad) wants to contemplate. So shut up and beat off for now. In a year or maybe two, after your sex life has kicked back into gear, your wife might be willing to either explore your fantasies through role-playing games, or give you a pass to get with a woman with a dick.

To understand more about your fetish, google "gynandromorphophilia."

My boyfriend recently became interested in motorcycles, which makes me nervous. We had a talk, and he settled on a motorcycle/scooter hybrid that goes only 50 miles per hour. Now he's looking into upgrading to a full motorcycle. I am genuinely worried for his safety. However, it's his life, we don't have kids and I certainly don't control him. How do you deal with your fear over a loved one's safety when they do something that makes you nervous?

Wants Improved Motor Practices

My husband recently became interested in growing a mustache, which made me nervous for my sanity. (All of my uncles had mustaches when I was a kid, and the thought of kissing a guy with a mustache made me think of kissing my uncles and ... ick.) He grew one while I was out of town. It's his face, and I certainly don't control him. But I control my face, and I refused to press mine to his — or press any other part of my body to any part of his — until the mustache was gone. It was gone the next day. Maybe you could take the same approach?

I am a straight male. I was introduced to Fetlife — and to BDSM generally — by my former girlfriend, who has a profile on the site. The relationship ended a year ago, and things got tempestuous. We tried to be friends, but she changed her mind, and now we don't speak. I joined Fetlife recently, and occasionally looked at her profile. When she posted a couple nice photos of herself, I stupidly liked them. Now she's messaged me a couple times, and I am terrified. There are no pictures on my profile, so she doesn't know it's me. I don't know what to do: Ignore the messages, come clean or what?

Ex Currently Keeping Secret

We can't stop our exes from checking out our online personal ads, blogs, etc., but you stepped over the line when you liked your ex's photos. That amounted to initiating contact with a woman who made it clear she no longer wished to be in contact with you. You could respond to her messages with "Hey, it's me," but she may feel that you tricked her into getting back in contact. A nonresponse from a presumed stranger will be less upsetting than a hello from you. There are lots of lurkers and flakes on dating sites, and it's pretty common to send one or two messages to someone and never hear back. So don't respond.

I'm a 20-year-old full-time college student. I work two jobs and participate in athletics. I have little time to find someone to be with. But I recently became "involved" with a member of the faculty. He's 20 years older, and we have so much in common that it should be illegal! Should I cut the cord now? Or continue enjoying the hottest, sweetest person I've ever met?

Sincerely Smitten Student Hesitates


And if your faculty member honors the Campsite Rule, i.e., he leaves you in better shape than he found you (no diseases, no unplanned pregnancies, no avoidable drama/trauma), you are in turn obligated to honor the Tea and Sympathy Rule. That is, when you speak of this in future years, you will be kind (no nuttiness, no anger that a relationship that was unlikely to work out long term didn't turn into an LTR, no sabotaging his academic career by naming names in a tell-all post on Have fun.

I have to take issue with your recommendation to Socially Interactive Sister. She was thinking about hiring someone to relieve her 22-year-old brother of his virginity. Why would you recommend a sex worker when you could recommend a professional surrogate partner therapist? These professionals work with licensed sex therapists and have training to work therapeutically with folks just like SIS's brother. Additionally, you incorrectly associate sex work with the movie The Sessions, which deals with surrogate partner therapy. Sex work and surrogate partner therapy are not the same. This will make it more difficult for those of us who are trying to legitimize surrogate partner therapy. I have no issue with sex work, but SPT is truly different. You can find more info at

Advocate For Surrogate Partner Therapy

Thanks for sharing.

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