Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love

When you're feeling like the third wheel, it's because you're probably functioning as the third wheel.

I just started an intense relationship with a guy who has a boyfriend. This guy and I love each other. However, he is uncomfortable with me meeting his boyfriend. I've asked if it's OK that we're fucking, and he said they're in an open relationship. I asked if it's OK that we're in love, and he said yes. So why the secrecy? My lover's explanation is that his boyfriend doesn't want to know about the guys he fucks around with. The situation is starting to make me uneasy. I can't figure out why I want to know more about his boyfriend. Is it so I can verify that he's not cheating? I do know that I wish my lover would be more open with me. Should I just relax?

The Other Person

Monogamous couples have one rule about fucking other people — "don't fuck other people" — but nonmonogamous couples have all sorts of rules, and sometimes a couple's rules make it hard for a third to verify that the partnered person he's sleeping with is, in fact, in an honest and healthy open relationship.

That said, most couples with a "don't want to know about the other people you're fucking" rule — and that's a pretty common rule — also have a rule against getting emotionally involved with the other people they're fucking. So if it's against the rules for the guy you're seeing to introduce his boy-on-the-side to his boyfriend, odds are that swapping "I love yous" with his boy-on-the-side is against the rules, too.

Either this guy is lying to you about being in an open relationship, or he's lying to his boyfriend about not getting emotionally involved with other guys. Whichever it is, I don't see a future for you with this guy — or much of a future for him and his boyfriend.

To answer your question: No, don't relax. DTMFA.

I'm a feminine, submissive dyke. My girlfriend is absolutely amazing. The problem is I've formed a pretty tight trio with two hot, funny tops. I've got tiny, manageable crushes on them both. My girlfriend knows, but she's secure enough that she isn't bothered by it. The problem? My friends are fucking each other. They're also in happy open relationships with other women. But even though they're great friends, they leave me feeling like the third wheel once in a while. How can I gently remind them that, even though they're not sleeping with me, I'd like a little more platonic attention?

Satisfied Under Butches

I suppose you could sit your friends down and say, "Hey, when you two move out of your friends-in-open-relationships-with-benefits honeymoon phase, I could use a little more friends-without-benefits attention." But there's almost no way to say that without coming across like a jealous, controlling bag of dykenuts. So hang back and trust that this honeymoon phase, like all honeymoon phases, will eventually pass, and these two friends will have more time for you in the future.

In the meantime, fuck your girlfriend lots and hang out with other friends. And remember: When you're feeling like the third wheel, it's because you're probably functioning as the third wheel. Thirds that make a decision to roll elsewhere generally wind up feeling better.

My hubby is 62 and I am 52. We are experimenting sexually, but my blowjobs don't do it for him. I've watched videos, read articles, and finally bought some flavored lube. He loves having his balls licked while I jerk him off. But what can I do about my blowjobs?

Ho Ho Ho

My advice: Lick your hubby's balls while you jerk him off.

Your husband either can't get off from a blowjob alone — and there are men out there who can't — or your blowjobs just don't do it for him. In the interest of marital harmony, let's give your blowjobs the benefit of the doubt and assume that your husband can't be gotten off by blowjob alone.

If you love sucking dick and your blowjobs are in no way traumatizing — if they don't leave your husband curled up on the floor sobbing — then blow your husband. Telling him the blowjobs are for you will take the pressure off him. He may relax and enjoy the blowjob more. He might even get off.

Bonus tip: You know that flavored lubes don't do anything for the person being blown, right? They're for people who don't like the taste of dick, and it doesn't sound like you're one of those people. Until they come out with Chord Overstreet-flavored or Cheyenne Jackson-flavored lube, there's no reason to slather your hubby's dick with artificial flavorings and aspartame.

I'm a gay man in a four-year relationship. We've been very understanding and GGG. The problem: He wants me to piss in his ass. But peeing while erect is not my forte. I have to concentrate on peeing to actually go, and that just resulted in my going soft while inside him. By the time the urine was flowing, my dick was so soft that his sphincter was pinching my urethra, making it impossible to pee. I can't think of what I can do to fulfill this fantasy. Is there an easier way? 

Dripping Out Urine Confounds His Enema

I'm going to assume that you are in a committed relationship, that you've both been tested and have either no STIs or the same STIs, that neither of you is having unprotected sex with anyone else, that you rarely eat asparagus or beets, that you don't plan on doing this in front of your pets, etc.

OK, DOUCHE, I feel like Santa Claus now because I have the perfect toy for you. Go to, click "Enter," search "ass tunnel," then watch the video demo. It's an after-Christmas miracle. (That link is NSFW. And, yes, I'm assuming DOUCHE and his BF celebrate Christmas. But only because all the piss-in-assers I've ever known were homeschooled Liberty University graduates.)

Happy holidays, everybody!

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at