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Savage Love

I'm a guy who was broken up with via text by a girl I had been dating for two months. She is dealing with the loss of a family member and other personal issues, and she sent me this message while out of state for a week or so. Two months is a short time, I realize, and we never discussed the nature of our arrangement. But we spent a few nights a week together and agreed that we had something special. Would you characterize this text-message dumping as spineless, a reasonable reaction to the issues she's facing, or what? What are the standards of a classy exit in the digital age?

Scumbag Move, Savage?

When I listen to someone complaining about how he was dumped, what I often hear is someone complaining that he was dumped. Finding fault with how is often the ego acting in self-defense: She hurt you, and you've latched on to the dumped-by-text issue so you can tell yourself that you were mistaken about her, that there really wasn't something special here. Nope, she's a scumbag. Dumping-by-text proves it.

Two quick things: Getting dumped sucks. It would've hurt just as much if she had dumped you via Goodyear blimp, or shown up in person to tell you herself. And while dumping-via-text was viewed as a cold move 10 or 15 years ago when texting technology was new and texts were uniformly brief and inscrutable, these days, people do most of their communicating via text. So old notions about text-message dumpings — they're not classy! — don't apply these days. A thoughtful, well-written text message is now a legit way to dump someone. Particularly someone you've been dating for only two months.

Let's say your girlfriend had waited until she was back in town so she could dump you face-to-face, SMS. What if you had met someone you liked and passed on an offer to hang out and/or hook up between the time your girlfriend made up her mind to dump you and her arrival back in town? Then you would be complaining about how you passed on a woman who could've been your soul mate while your ex was stringing you along.

Finally, the best course when you've been dumped by someone you really liked is to accept the bad news with as much grace as you can muster. The world is full of couples that got back together after a breakup, and your odds of being in one of those couples shrink if you act like an asshole about being dumped, or if you convince yourself your ex is an asshole for dumping you. Good luck.

Two years ago, I fell in love with a man. (I'm a bisexual woman.) A friend took that as her cue to declare her love for me. I turned her down. This same conversation had to happen repeatedly. A few weeks ago, she was having a party at her house. She got sloppy drunk and said that if she had a penis, I'd be with her. She became touchy-feely and aggressive. At one point, she told a man there that they needed to get me drunker so that I'd have sex with her. When I confronted her later, she said that her drinking was because I had been too harsh when I turned her down. Then she said that I'm constantly cruel to her and that's why she drinks. When I suggested ending our friendship if I'm so cruel, she got apologetic and came up with all sorts of communication strategies to try to preserve our friendship. What am I supposed to do?

Bitches Be Crazy

This is why they pay me the big bucks: Stop hanging out with that bitch, because that bitch — as you're well aware — is fucking crazy. You're welcome.

I am a 16-year-old straight male — I think. There's nothing I love more than vagina. I have a girlfriend, and she's amazing. But recently, a gay friend told me he has a crush on me and asked me to be his "friend with benefits." He offered to give me head. I've never thought about having sex with a dude, but I'm an open-minded person. So my question is whether I should become FWB with my friend. One of my main concerns is the fact that I'm in a relationship. So, yeah, I just don't know.

What Should I Do?

Ask your girlfriend if she'd be OK with you getting head from your gay friend. If that's not a question you can bring yourself to ask, then don't even think about becoming FWB with your gay friend.

As for your sexuality ...

If there's nothing you love more than vagina — really? Not your mom? Not even oxygen? — then you're not gay. You could be bisexual, I suppose, or heteroflexible. But I'm thinkin' what you are is 16 years old and horny. If a talking skunk with a French accent offered you a blowjob, you'd probably say yes. That wouldn't be proof that you're a zoophile — or a Francophile — just proof that you're so horny you decided to shoot (into a skunk's mouth) first and ask questions ("I let a skunk blow me — WTF?") later.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do this: Gay/straight FWB arrangements can work. But you shouldn't do this if it means deceiving your girlfriend. Clear it with your girlfriend first or wait until you're single. And if you're so tempted to do this that you're considering doing it behind your girlfriend's back, that's a pretty good indication that you'll be single soon.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE: Make porn! Details on HUMP! — the annual porn festival that I host in Seattle and Portland — are here: Films are limited to five minutes in length, they don't wind up on the Internet, and you don't have to live in the Pacific Northwest to submit. And this year's grand prize is $5,000!

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