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Savage Love

Bi and sexually adventurous are great traits in a mate; dishonest and emotionally abusive are not.

About a year ago, my fiancé admitted to me that he is bi. I told him that I was bi-curious. We have had talks about meeting with other couples. I am very insecure: I have been with very few men and no women (beyond kissing). Today, he told me that he signed us up on a personals website and posted a picture of me naked from the waist down. I was shocked and upset. I felt this was a violation of my privacy. He says that I wasn't actively doing anything about getting outside partners, so he wanted to show me that I'm attractive and that other people thought so. He said that if this is how I'm going to react, he'd take the whole thing down. When I tried to explain that I was hurt that he didn't talk to me first and I did want to see the responses, he said he was giving up, and he refused to show me the responses.

1. Is it that ludicrous to be upset about naked pics of me being posted without my knowledge?

2. Do I deserve time to think about the naked-pic situation before he gives up?

3. Does he have a right to feel angry with me for being initially upset?

What Should I Do?

1. No.

2. Yes, you deserve time to think about the naked-pic situation. You might also want to carve out time to think about the whole engaged-to-a-manipulative-and-petulant-piece-of-shit situation.

3. No, he does not. Your reaction was not only understandable, it was one he should've anticipated. Maybe he thought it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, and maybe he thought it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't a face pic. Maybe he hoped positive responses would heal your insecurities and prompt you to retroactively approve of his actions. He was wrong. But instead of apologizing for his thoughtlessness, your fiancé attempted to shift the blame onto you. (You weren't actively seeking out sex partners so, like, what other choice did he have?) If he can't apologize, if he can't stop blaming you for his own stupidity, if he doesn't stop withholding those responses from you, you really should rethink your plans to marry this man. Bi and sexually adventurous are great traits in a mate; dishonest and emotionally abusive are not.

I have been with my fiancé for four years. We are very much in love. When I met him, he was a bit boring, and I brought him out of his shell. But now I'm starting to feel like I've created a monster. He has discovered that he is REALLY into some things. For example: trans porn, wearing my lingerie, being on the "receiving end" of my strap-on, etc. All of these things are fine once in a while. But it makes me feel like less of a woman when all he wants to do is BE THE WOMAN EVERY SINGLE TIME! We have talked about it, and he has cut back, but I can't help but wonder… is he less satisfied in bed now? I have noticed a drop in how often we have sex after we had the "talk." I'm getting bored and worried!

Created A Monster

You two may be experiencing a normal four-years-in decrease in the frequency of sex. Or this could be one of those lulls that even couples in LTRs that don't see a drop in frequency sometimes experience. That the amount of sex you and your fiancé are having fell off steeply in the wake of the "talk" may just be a coincidence.

Only time will tell, so … you'll have to give it time.

But you were right to communicate with your fiancé about your unhappiness. You get a gold star for drawing him out of his shell, and he may have gotten so excited about you being up for watching trans porn, putting him in your lingerie, and pegging his ass that he lost sight of your needs, wants and desires. It's possible that he's less interested in sex now that it's not all about transgender porn and gender transgression. But it's also possible that he's embarrassed for being such a thoughtless panty-wearing clod and is having a hard time getting things back in gear. You may need to draw him out yet again.

I'm getting married, and I wouldn't be so blissfully in love if it weren't for your advice. Before dating my fiancé, I was dating another guy. One night, we were watching South Park and a joke was made about golden showers. My boyfriend made a half-joking remark, and I thought of a column of yours in which you said men sometimes bring up their fetishes jokingly to gauge their partner's reaction. It came out that he loved being peed on. I mulled it over and decided that I am not comfortable with that. Couple weeks later, I started talking to my future husband, who has the same kinks as me. Thanks for teaching me that being GGG does not mean doing whatever your partner wants but to always be respectful, even if it eeks you out.

Soon To Wed

I'm glad you met the love of your life, and here's hoping your new man doesn't have a secret kink that's as bad or worse — or identical to — your previous man's rather harmless kink. Yes, being into golden showers, or getting off on being pissed on, is pretty kinky, as kinks go. But after a few beers, piss is just so much hot water. I'm not saying you should've gone there for your ex. All I'm saying is that most people who give piss a chance quickly realize that golden showers aren't nearly as gross and disgusting — or even golden — as they were led to believe by people who lump piss in with shit when discussing, and/or freaking out about, other people's kinks.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

Hands off Rafah protest in East Liberty
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Hands off Rafah protest in East Liberty

By Mars Johnson