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Savage Love

Respecting boundaries sends a message: "I may be messing around with someone else with your OK, but your needs still come first."

I had a threesome with my husband and another woman because I am GGG and that's always been a fantasy of his. I laid out my ground rules, and they were violated. (I said I was uncomfortable with his P in her V, and I ended up watching them fuck.) I didn't stop it at the time because I didn't want to ruin it for him. It's been some time, and my heart is still broken. Am I wrong to feel hurt?


Please hand this column to your husband. My response is for him.

You are one stupid motherfucker.

Here's how you're a motherfucker: Your wife agreed to have a threesome on one condition: no penis-in-vagina intercourse with the other woman. That's a fairly common ground rule for first-time threesomes, and you agreed to honor it. But you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman's vagina anyway.

Maybe you felt your wife's rule was arbitrary: You were already sucking and fondling and rolling around, why should fucking be against the rules? But it mattered to your wife. And when you stuck your penis in the other woman's vagina anyway, that threesome became a nonconsensual sexual experience for your wife. She feels violated.

Because you violated her.

Adding to her feelings of violation, she felt obligated to pretend she was fine with your penis in the other woman's vagina because she didn't want to ruin the experience for you. And she probably didn't want to make your third feel uncomfortable — a third who either didn't know about the ground rule or didn't give a shit (which makes her a malicious motherfucker). As a result, your wife may feel complicit in her own violation. Talk about mind-fucks!

That's how you're a motherfucker. Here's how you're stupid: If you had demonstrated to your wife during your very first threesome that you could be trusted, this threesome would very likely have been the first in a series of sexual adventures. If you had kept your penis out of the other woman's vagina, your wife might have trusted you with more. You might have gotten to penis-in-vagina intercourse with another woman with your wife's enthusiastic consent!

Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don't use tongue when you kiss the other person, don't use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, etc.) When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn't just holding something back because it's special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting boundaries sends a message: "I may be messing around with someone else with your OK, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first."

And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees that a partner can mess around with someone else without forgetting who matters most — those ground rules tend to become less restrictive.

But that's not gonna happen for you now, you stupid motherfucker. If you ever hope to have another threesome, or to realize some other sexual fantasy, or if your wife has a sexual fantasy that she would like to realize (one that you might enjoy helping her realize), you're going to need to offer her a plausible explanation and an abject apology.

My boyfriend is REALLY into the fantasy of an MFF threesome. I'm as GGG as girls get, but I'm one of those rare types who was sexually abused by an adult woman when I was a young girl. He knows this. And he knows that ever since I realized that I was attracted to other women, I've felt like a guilty pervert. Thanks to copious amounts of alcohol, I've gotten about as far with another girl as a stereotypical college student, but the abuse still haunts me. (And, yes, I go to therapy when I can afford it.)

If I may never be capable of fulfilling his fantasy by bringing another chick into our bed, am I an asshole for wanting to remain in an LTR with this guy? He knows I'm into women and that I would like to explore that somehow, eventually, but I don't know if he gets how hard that could be for me. Should I even try? Should I set him free?

Whatever Your Intern Can Come Up With

First, I'm so sorry about the sexual abuse you suffered. But I would urge you to prioritize therapy over, say, a third and fourth round of drinks. Fewer alcohol-enabled bisexual experiences in the short run, with less money going to booze and more going to therapy, may lead to more — and happier — bisexual experiences in the long run.

As for the boyfriend, just tell him that, due to your history, an MFF threesome is not something you would be able to do anytime soon. If going without MFF threesomes for the foreseeable future is a price he's willing to pay to be with you, do him the honor of letting him pay it.

I'm a straight woman who enjoys gay porn and writes slash fiction. Seeing my husband make love to another man is my biggest fantasy, but he insists it will never happen. He did agree to an MMF threesome, but only if he didn't have to do anything with the other man. I found a guy in a city we are visiting. My husband doesn't know this guy is bisexual and into him. (He has seen pictures of my husband.) I'm hoping that my husband will feel "inspired" once "things" are under way. What's the best strategy for getting my husband — 

She Lusts After Sexy Homos

Sorry to cut you off, SLASH, but I don't need to read the rest of your letter. DO NOT spring a bisexual-and-into-him third on your husband. DO NOT violate your husband's ground rules. DO NOT be a stupid motherfucker.

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