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Savage Love

You know how Mormons believe they have a right to choose Mormonism for the deceased? Now you can choose homosexuality for dead Mormons!

I am a straight female whose fiancé has a fetish where he likes to watch women use the bathroom. I knew this, and I accepted it. But shitting in front of someone is hard.

So we had a lovely night going, when I had to poop. We went into the bathroom together. He got very horny, but I couldn't go. I said I was sorry, and he goes, "Well, let's fuck in here in case you have to go." He wanted to do it sitting on the toilet with me on top. No go: Too hard. So we went in my room and had amazing sex and smoked a joint. I wanted to have sex again, but he wanted to wait to see if I could go. He said, "Drink some coffee! Smoke a cigarette!" I want to be GGG, but the pressure turned me off. (1) Is this my fault for bringing it up? (2) Was his pressuring me wrong? (3) How should I approach this situation without sounding like a bitch?

Pressured Over Observable Performance

1. You didn't do anything wrong when you brought it up, POOP, and he didn't do anything wrong when he got excited.

2. Yes. However excited he was, he shouldn't have pressured you to perform. (And he shouldn't encourage you to smoke cigarettes; those things will kill you.) Shitting in front of someone isn't easy, and badgering you won't help. Your fiancé, if he knows what's good for him, will let you set the pace, and thank his stars that he found someone who is willing to try.

3. "I know you're excited, honey, and it excites me to see you so excited. But dial it back a bit. Next time I feel like I can give it a try, I will let you know. But all of this pressure is making me feel constipated. And you don't want that, right?"

I'm an 18-year-old male. After three years of silence, my ex-girlfriend texted me out of the blue. She was my first love, and part of my heart still aches for her. I feel like the smart thing to do is to stop talking to her, but my heart says if I keep at it, I might win her back. Most of her messages sound flirtatious, but it could just be me being optimistic. She even said, "I don't think of you as more than a friend. But I would be open to a relationship if I started having feelings for you again." Is this a lost cause?

Love And Memories Enflamed

Forgive me, LAME, for what I'm about to type.

You're being used. Your ex-girlfriend sent that text because she wanted to feel wanted. Maybe she got dumped recently, or maybe she's just selfish and cruel. But all she's after — most likely — are the ego-boosts your texts provide. And to keep them coming, she's dangling a little false hope: She told you the truth (she doesn't think of you as more than a friend) so she wouldn't have to admit to herself that she's a manipulative liar, and then tacked on some impossible-to-disprove crap (a relationship might be possible if she starts to have feelings again) to keep you textin'.

You dated her when you were 15. You're not in love with her; you're in love with the way she made you feel. There are other girls who can make you feel that way. Go find one.

I'm a GGG married male with a not-so-GGG wife. We've been together 17 years and married four months. She's never been too sexual. I am very sexual, but she kept me satisfied with oral, dress-up, sex in different places — things like that. Things really started to fall off sexually around our 10th year together. She said that she felt I was never going to marry her, so why should she give me 100 percent? Years later, I gave her the big wedding she wanted. I actually enjoy being married. But she won't do anything besides traditional sex — and only when she's awake enough to have sex, and I always have to initiate. When I mention things like oral or toys, she says she feels uncomfortable doing things like that. If she'd told me this before, my decision to get married might have been different. I don't want her to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. But in my opinion, what I'm asking for is not "kinky."

We've had this discussion throughout our short marriage, with no sign of her even trying. Am I doomed to a bad marriage? I feel she lied to me to get me to marry her, and now I don't know what to do. 

Lots Of Sexual Tension

All your options are bad, LOST.

Stay married, stay faithful and stew in your own frustration until you die; stay married, cheat with cause, and hope you don't get caught; inform your spouse that you're not going to ask her to do things she's not comfortable with, but you're also not going to ask for her permission to do those things with other women, and be cast as the villain when she files for divorce; or initiate the divorce yourself and make sure your next partner enjoys the kinds of sex you do before you marry her. (Hint: If she likes the stuff you like, she'll want to do it whether you're married or not.)

Sorry, that's all I got.

HEY, EVERYBODY: You know how Mormons "baptize" dead people who weren't Mormons, because Mormons believe they have a right to choose Mormonism for the deceased? And you know how the Mormon says being gay is a choice? Well, now you can choose homosexuality for dead Mormons! Just go to, enter the name of a deceased Mormon or ask the site to find one for you, and — presto! — that dead Mormon gets a gay afterlife!

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

Hands off Rafah protest in East Liberty
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Hands off Rafah protest in East Liberty

By Mars Johnson