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Savage Love

A person can safely explore degrading fantasies so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing them.

I am a 25-year-old gay man. Although I have always accepted my homosexuality, recently I have been going through a hard time psychologically because I'm exposing myself to very graphic homophobic online content. There are blogs, online groups and websites that cater to gay men who like to be abused and degraded by "straight" men. Some people write extensively about how all gay rights should be rolled back.

I am very disturbed because I am actually aroused by content that shows supposedly straight men degrading gay men. I have spent hours reading these homophobic posts and staring at homophobic pictures, and I always come away feeling disturbed and unhappy. But when I'm horny, I go right back. The worst feeling comes from knowing a lot of those people don't recognize it as a fantasy, but believe the homophobic views they express.

I was never disturbed by BDSM-type fantasies or BDSM porn. But this type of dom/sub thing is very disturbing, as it is playing with a real-world violent and powerful hate ideology. Is it OK for me to view this as another harmless fantasy, or is this something I need to get help dealing with?

Not An Inferior Faggot

P.S. Examples of these websites:,, and

You're not inferior, NAIF, and you're not alone.

You have lots of horny soul mates out there -- think of strong feminist women with rape fantasies, think of faithful Jews with Nazi fetishes, think of empowered African Americans who get off on Master/slave role-play scenes. And think of all the gay men out there turned on by those vaguely threatening male archetypes. All those cliché gay-male sex symbols -- truckers, skinheads, Marines, cops, firemen, gangbangers -- haven't historically been associated with tolerance.

A person can safely explore degrading fantasies so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing this stuff. Basically, you have to build a firewall between your fantasies and your self-esteem. (And, just as importantly, between your fantasies and your politics.) Once you do that, you'll be able to enjoy your "straight men abusing fags" fantasies without feeling devastated immediately after you come. In fact, successfully building that firewall and then enjoying your fantasies without shame can leave you feeling stronger and more empowered. Call it the sub's paradox: A D/s sub who can enjoy his fantasies without being shredded by them is in control, not being controlled.

But it doesn't sound like you've been able to build that firewall yet, due to feelings of shame rooted in a perceived disconnect between the person you know yourself to be -- a proud gay man -- and the scenarios that make your dick hard. But there is no disconnect, NAIF. You don't really hate yourself any more than the feminist with rape fantasies really wants to be raped or the Jewish guy with Nazi fantasies really believes Germans are the master race. (Could a people who routinely wear sandals with socks be the master race?) It might help if you reminded yourself of that before, during and after you rub one out. It also might help if a sex-positive counselor reminded you of that during regular sessions over a period of months.

You know what else might help? Finding a nice, out, proud gay man who wants to explore these degradation fantasies with you in real time -- safely, respectfully and consensually. Cuddling after a hot, crazy, kinky D/s sex session with the "straight" guy who five minutes ago was "degrading" you for being a "worthless faggot" -- and then going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee -- would go a long way toward helping you see your fantasies as something that brought intimacy and companionship, instead of self-loathing and self-recrimination.

But don't start exploring your fantasies with a boyfriend until that firewall is well under construction, OK?

Three months ago, I started a fuck-buddy relationship with an old friend. As we are both not seeking a serious romance, my assumption was that the relationship was "open." But when I asked him how he'd feel about me dating another guy, he said that if I fucked other guys, he would "never" sleep with me again. I asked him if he was sleeping with other girls, and he said no. I don't know whether to be happy (he likes me enough to be monogamous) or freaked (at his leotarded communication style). I do have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great. Any advice would be helpful.

Confused Canadian Chick

I would advise you to have a convo about upgrading your frequent-fucker cards from fuck-buds silver to boyfriend/girlfriend gold. The latter designation gets closer to the facts on the ground: You have feelings for him, he has feelings for you (however poorly articulated), the sex is great, the relationship is exclusive. You may not have been seeking romance, but it looks like romance found you.

I'm a straight male in a committed relationship. My girlfriend and I have sex once a week. During the week, she is either too tired or too full after dinner. Come 9:30 p.m., she's ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep. She asks me on a daily basis if I've masturbated in her absence. If I say no, she accuses me of lying. She has demanded to smell my hands to see if she can smell lube on them. I resent feeling interrogated and guilt-tripped over this.

Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally

I don't know who's crazier, BOMBAST: your controlling, psychotic, hand-sniffing girlfriend, or you, for putting up with this bullshit. It's not a crime to want sex only once a week. But terrorizing a higher-libido partner about whether he is masturbating -- and demanding to smell his hands! -- is borderline abusive. DTMFA, and pass this bit of advice on to your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend: If you want a companion animal you can castrate, lady, get a dog. 

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