Dear readers: I'm on vacation. The questions and answers in this week's column are three recent installments of the "Savage Love Letter of the Day," which folks with the Savage Love app for iPhone or Android receive daily. If you have the app, you've already read these questions and second-guessed my answers. Sorry about that. If you don't have the app, you're not getting your full dose of Savage Love. I'm sorry about that, too.
I have always been attracted to women. But I have had experiences with other males as well -- all fondling. I get pegged, so to speak, as being gay quite a lot. I recognize why: I flirt with men. I like being nice and making people happy. I think some guys confuse my "I love everybody" hippie vibe for my being willing to suck their dicks.
I am a pretty boy, so perhaps this causes confusion. My eyes are feminine, I have long lashes. Also, I tend to flirt with women who are in relationships, and I have been with quite a few women in relationships.
I guess I am just a flirtatious guy. I act more gay around homophobes, to the point where even I start to question myself. Yet I know I love women. It dawns on me that the men who think I'm gay might be the insecure ones.
Sometimes I feel gay. But usually it is only around insecure homophobes who I don't consider physically beautiful. I don't feel gay around gay people!
I feel very frustrated. I don't feel confused at all, but I feel like I confuse people.
Damn Acronyms Really Evade
I should probably reread your letter before I bang out a response, DARE, but that might prompt me to throw my laptop, myself or both right out the window.
Yes, you confuse people. And you're doing it on purpose, pretty little hippie, as you damn well know. But allow me to unpack your bullshit for you, just in case in you damn well don't.
You pursue women who have boyfriends and flirt with men who have issues because you're an egotistical narcissist who derives pleasure from causing erotic chaos wherever you go. When you bed women who have boyfriends or husbands, it proves that you're just as hot as you think you are; when you unnerve straight-identified homophobes, it proves that you're just as hot as you think you are. But you don't allow yourself to flirt with good-looking dudes, because you're not secure enough in your sexuality to risk batting your eyelashes at a guy you might actually want to go to bed with.
I'm sorry if all of that sounds harsh. There are worse things than being a player and a prick tease. (And, hey, I'm all for fucking with conflicted closet cases.) But at some point, you're going to have to admit -- at least to yourself -- that your "I love everybody" routine is a disguise, and you're a narcissist with a sadistic streak (not that there's anything wrong with a sadistic streak, properly channeled).
You're the satyr, not the faun. Own it.
I'm 26, bi, female, and my idea of a successful long-term relationship lands somewhere between monogamish -- awesome word! -- and completely nonmonogamous. I want a primary partner but I enjoy women, and a threesome sounds like a great birthday present. I've tried telling potential partners about my kinks on the first date. At first, they're into it -- every dude's dream, right? -- but eventually the men change their minds about wanting that type of relationship. What am I doing wrong?
Apparently NOT Every Man's Dream
So basically, you're 26 years old and you're still single. Where do I send flowers?
Every man you've been with so far either hasn't wanted the type of relationship you're offering, or hasn't wanted you. That doesn't mean there aren't men out there who do want the type of relationship you're offering and/or you -- only that you haven't met one yet. That's perfectly normal for someone your age. Keep calm, carry on and push that kink conversation back to the third date.
I'm a 27-year-old straight guy. This girl I work with is everything I want in a partner. We've been flirting, and it's getting to the point where one of us has to make a move. But she's already got a boyfriend. I've been the guy who gets cheated on, and I won't do that to someone else. Also, I've recently been promoted and I'm now her immediate superior. She's a shit employee: lazy and rude to customers. Despite these complications, I want to make a move on her. But how do I get around these issues?
Frustrated In Sydney
I'm having a hard time reconciling "everything I want in a partner" with "willing to cheat on her boyfriend." A previous girlfriend cheated on you and that was traumatizing. Do you want to be with another woman who's capable of cheating on her boyfriend?
Also: My suspicious nature has me wondering whether she didn't see your promotion coming, and the flirting is an insurance policy that protects her from being fired. Right now, you're not going to fire her because you want to fuck her. And once you've fucked her, you won't be able to fire her because she'll be able to accuse you of sexual harassment. See how that works?
My advice: Tell your boss that a little innocent flirtation has been queered by your promotion, and it would be a sensitive situation even if the other employee was a good worker. But she's a shit worker, and if she doesn't shape up, someone is going to have to fire her. And that someone can't be you.
Ask your boss to place this girl under someone else, and after the new supervisor fires her, you'll find out whether she was really interested in being "placed" under you at all.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
