I have become an 'Adult of science': Buying stuff from Facebook, a cautionary tale

Photo: puhaka.com

A very convincing photo urging me to live my best, astronomical life

Unless I'm making my third attempt at buying the appropriate audio wire or HDMI cable from Amazon, I don't make a lot of online purchases. I am also very skeptical, hate Facebook, and am the son of a man who thought everyone was trying to scam him, once telling a teenager at an ice cream shop in Oil City, Pa., "You'll never get my business again!"

You'd think these would be the perfect characteristics for a person not to get suckered into spending $50 on two-star projectors. Well, I like my kids and I love science! So you, my dear reader, are wrong. And I'm a sucker. But more importantly, I'm an "Adult of science."

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CP Photo: Josh Oswald

I paid $25 for this thing. And I have two of them.

The package above arrived about a month after I ordered it. There was something about the design and condition of the box that did not instill me with a lot of confidence. But I ripped apart my upstairs bathroom and completely renovated it, so how hard can this really be?

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CP Photo: Josh Oswald

I called this .png file "instructions and shit." I don't think there's a better caption than that.

OK. The best way to start assembling anything is by identifying the parts you recognize. Well, there's a light bulb! Strong start. And that's a wire? Wait, what?! I don't know how to wire electricity. A measuring tape sticker? What the hell do I do with that? All right. Time to swallow my pride and consult the instructions. This is the moment where a "comic" like Tim Allen would make a joke about men not asking for directions. Anyway, the instructions.

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CP Photo: Josh Oswald

Detailed instructions for something

Now we're cooking. This should take me 10 minutes max. I grabbed a couple of screwdrivers, poured myself a steaming hot Sanka, and got to work. Turns out, I'm a lot smarter than I thought. I did have the help of a Chinese friend for a couple of translations near the end. But I did all of the manual labor myself. And during these uncertain times, it feels good to accomplish something you put your mind to. And both of my kids now have this amazing projector in their rooms!

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Website photo of the product that looks nothing like the garbage I was sent

I'm kidding! This is a humor column. (Probably the best humor column you've ever read. But that's a discussion for another time. But if you want to talk about it now, slide into my DMs.) Below is the projector I built.

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CP Photo: Josh Oswald

Close enough.

Time to enjoy some constellations!

I bought two of these things and only opened one. That means I'm giving one lucky reader the opportunity to put the other one together and become the most admired person in Pittsburgh. Post this story on Twitter, tag @gentlemenrich and @pghcitypaper and I will pick a winner and ship you this turd, free of charge. You, too, can be this happy: