Hey, Twitter. Don't stan the brands | Stay Weird, Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Hey, Twitter. Don't stan the brands

click to enlarge Hey, Twitter. Don't stan the brands
Screenshot of Charmin being terrible.

As alpha consumers, Americans love to buy pointless trinkets and disgusting convenience foods; we celebrate it as our defining characteristic. When the amount of marketing is inversely proportional to the value of the product, we're all in. And our corporate puppet-masters know this. 

They also know that everybody on Twitter is an idiot, myself included, and will propagate their horrible brands if they figure out what makes a tweet work. Luckily for them, we have done all the work. And now brands like Sunny D (disgusting orange drink), Chipotle (bland rice with hormone meat), and McDonald’s (underpaying beef product company) are running rampant with “funny” tweets, ruining the very little goodness left on Twitter. Here are some of the worst: 

There’s nothing funny about this tweet unless you are the kind of person who uses “enthusiast” in your bio or thinks it is interesting to argue about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Tell me what you think about the Oxford comma, Sunny D.  

365 fake IDs? That seems like a tremendous waste of resources.

Don't encourage them, Oreo.

Meryl Streep gifs are an automatic disqualification. Even Meryl Streep is tired of Meryl Streep gifs.
Curb already did it. 
@ntmarkfdp is the real winner in this thread.
There are a million more of these kinds of tweets that I don’t have room to complain about. But if you really want to hate yourself and everything about the world, I recommend the feeds of Pop-Tarts, Reese’s, Wendy’s, Sunny D, Casper, Steak-umm, Moosejaw, and DiGiorno. Happy hunting.