Most of us have had the experience of opening a gift and feeling intense pressure to pretend to love it because the person who bought it is watching our reaction with intense anticipation. Most of us have also put a lot of time, energy, and money into buying a gift for a loved one, only to be disappointed when they don’t seem as excited as we are about it. Gifts can be wonderful, but they can also feel like a lot of pressure.

While out with a friend last week, we started talking about our Christmas lists and both lamented that the older we get, the harder gifting is. We have lived long enough, and are established enough, that most of our basic needs are met and there aren’t many “things” we want and need. This is also true for our parents, our partners, and most of our friends. He said, “At this point, the best gifts are experiences.”

This seems right to me. While I like a trinket as much as the next person, time spent doing something I enjoy with someone I love is always special. This week my work bestie and I got dressed up, went to the Hip Hop Nutcracker together, and then spent too much money at a fancy steakhouse. Over the weekend, I went to a seven-course themed dinner party at Orbis Caffe with my friend Nancy. In October, my mom and I took a trip to Philadelphia, where we walked through the historic district before seeing the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra at a spectacular venue (tickets gifted to us by one of my lovely clients). And every summer, I go with my older son on a white water rafting trip in West Virginia, a tradition we look forward to every year.

Time is precious and choosing to spend it with someone is a gift. These experiences can be elaborate and expensive, or low-key and simple. Though we are adjusting to our separation, my partner and I decided to make time for each other. They made old-fashioned cocktails that we drank on the couch under blankets while watching a classic holiday film.

While I think of these experiences as gifts (the gift of new memories, time and attention, and intentional bonding), what they have in common (unlike gifts you can wrap in a box) is that they were not surprises. While a surprise experience may be fun if it is given to you by someone who knows you will love it (my ex-husband once made me think we were going on a date to a movie that I felt lackluster about, only to surprise me, a fan of old school hip hop, by pulling up to a Snoop Dogg concert), a surprise that isn’t perfectly targeted can go horribly awry.

When navigating gift-giving in romantic relationships, there should be one hard rule — absolutely no surprise experiences!

More than once, as a sex worker, I’ve had someone reach out to me to say that they would like to hire me as a “surprise” for their spouse. They are looking to spice up their sex life and believe hiring a sex worker for a threesome may be just the way to do that.

Given the reasonable suspicion many folks have of couples wanting to involve a third in their dynamic, a sex worker is a perfect place to look for such an experience. For this reason, I don’t mind seeing couples. Yet, there is no way I would agree to be a third as a “surprise”. Not only does it conjure the image of a scantily clad woman emerging from a cardboard cake, but the possibility of violating someone’s consent — or, at least, making them profoundly uncomfortable — seems likely.

No one wants to fake being excited about an ugly sweater under the tree to spare their family’s feelings. More pointedly, no one should ever have to fake being excited about a sexual experience for which they are uncomfortable or not prepared.

Experiences make great gifts, and sexual experiences can certainly be a part of this (an orgy, a new toy, or a romantic weekend getaway spent mostly in the hotel room). A novel sexual experience, after all, can be a great way for a couple to connect and bond, not to mention create new memories to look back on. However, some experiences, even when framed as gifts, are better as well-negotiated and discussed mutual decisions — not surprises.

I would rather have a steamy adventure with my partner for Christmas than something they could put under the tree, but I would like to be given the agency to decide, with them, what that will look like. Hopefully, we all have at least a few fantasies fulfilled this holiday season.

Jessie Sage is a Pittsburgh-based sex worker, writer, and the host of the podcast When We’re Not Hustling: Sex Workers Talking About Everything But.