Everyone loves mascots. They’re fluffy, oversized, and huggable. But some of Pittsburgh’s notable mascots are more unsettling than charming. Let’s address the big-nosed pierogi in the room—some of Pittsburgh’s mascots need a call out for their bizarre designs.

1. The Kennywood Sign

When you think of Kennywood’s mascot, you probably visualize the iconic Kenny the Kangaroo. He’s everything a mascot should be: friendly, fuzzy, and immediately recognizable. I’m not sure why one good mascot wasn’t enough for Kennywood, but the park opted for a second one. The mascot is shaped like the park’s iconic road signs, but, honestly, who thinks about cuddling up with a road sign? The Kennywood sign mascot is a lot like Stephen Baldwin next to Alec Baldwin—they’re clearly related but one is more iconic in every way.

2. Mrs. T’s Pierogi Race

A post shared by Shannon Lucas (@shansstory) on Jul 22, 2016 at 5:20pm PDT

What’s more terrifying than a big-nosed, anthropomorphic pierogi barreling towards you? How about four of them! Yes, every one of these dumpling abominations has a name: Jalapeno Hannah in green, Sauerkraut Saul in red, Cheese Chester in yellow, and Oliver Onion in purple. Apparently, kids love this event at Pirates games. Maybe their fight-or-flight senses haven’t kicked in.

3. Frankie the Fish

Frankie the Fish looks like a mad scientist experiment gone horribly right. Is it a fish? Is it a lizard? Where’s Mulder and Scully when you need them! All I know is that Frankie is jacked. He never skips biceps day or his morning protein shakes. The creature from the Allegheny is coming to mascot races near you! Lock up your whey protein!

4. Gus the Groundhog

Gus is the mascot for the Pennsylvania Lottery. He looks like every fifty-something dad at Giant Eagle that’s on his cell to determine what correct butter to buy. Newsflash: Nobody wants your scratch-offs, Gus. Why do you keep showing up at our family functions? Were you just sitting in the rafters to whip out your Gus Bucks? Go dig a hole. A deep one.

5. The Nittany Lion

The Nittany Lion, the official mascot for Penn State University, has black, soulless eyes that stare into the souls of his enemies. Now I’m getting war flashbacks to childhood and the eye-buttons in Coraline. Also, could Mr. Nittany please eat a sandwich? One would think a lion would have a little more padding on his bones.

This article appears in Jan 31 – Feb 6, 2018.

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