A year ago, Pittsburgh City Paper reported on a concept primed to disrupt the sex industry — the Dungeon Crawler, a mobile sex van (trailer?) designed to deliver whips, restraints, and other kinky accouterments right to your door. Now, it seems, Pittsburgh’s roving fuck chamber may be no more.
Reddit sources shared a Facebook Marketplace ad selling the Dungeon Crawler bed, suggesting the owners have given up on their dream. The “Queen Sized Utility Bed” — a description that comes with a saucy smiley-winky emoji, because NAUGHTY — goes for $800 and comes with a seven-foot-high stockade and a two-foot-high cage underneath. It’s also from IKEA, which immediately made me wonder how well it would hold up to rough play. (Also, a queen-sized bed? You couldn’t spring for a king?)
This stalwart reporter did some research and found what appears to be the same bed on the IKEA website (the four-poster YTTERVÅG priced at $599). While there’s no weight limit listed, a post in the bed’s “Questions and answers” section reads that IKEA does not recommend “exceeding 600 pounds.” So the Dungeon Crawler bed could accommodate, conservatively, about three to four people, depending on individual weight — something to think about if you’re considering this for a private, non-mobile sex dungeon.
Reddit was quick to roast the ad, with comments ranging from song parodies (ðµ Blliiiiinded by the light, lit up BY a douche, a Fuck-Shack rollin’ down McKnight… ðµ), to pointing out that a rentable sex dungeon may not be the most sustainable business model. There were also jabs at City Paper for publishing an article on it, never mind that readers read and shared it way more than the many, many important stories we publish about Pittsburgh politics, corrupt healthcare systems, the unhoused, our role in the military-industrial complex, jail reform, reproductive rights, industrial pollution, extremist groups, and other important issues. Feel free to click the “News” tab on our website!
With all that said, if you’re looking for a combination of purple satiny sheets, vaguely goth throw pillows, and, hopefully, stain-resistant velour, all of which evoke a “getting drilled in the T.J. Maxx Halloween clearance section” vibe, this bed is still up for grabs as of press time.
Still, questions remain for potential buyers — did anyone actually rent the fuck truck? What’s the mileage on that bed? Has the van/trailer’s many props and other questionable furniture found good homes after being cast to the four horny winds? These questions and others could be answered if you have $800 and curiosity to spare.
This article appears in Jan 8-14, 2025.
