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Friday, June 5, 2015

Posted By on Fri, Jun 5, 2015 at 7:11 PM

This film was not screened for critics locally, so we took a look at the trailer.

Film: Insidious: Chapter 3
Opening Date: June 5, 2015
Stars: Stefanie Scott, Dermot Mulroney, Lin Shaye
Necessary Info: Prequel to the “shocking” paranormal events of Insidious 1 and 2

Sample dialogue:
“It’s feeding on her soul.”

Trailer Analysis: Teenage girl is bothered by supernatural forces; hard to tell what’s happening, since the light keep flashing off. But, bad things are lying in wait, ready to JUMP OUT AND SCARE YOU!!!! Trailer checks off plenty of expected elements: creepy nursery song; squeaking doors and floors; shaking bed; and bloody footprints on the wall. These all look like good reasons to LEAVE THE HOUSE, but you know that’s not gonna happen.

Based on these 2:47 minutes, should you go? Well, it’s about the only “scary” thing playing right now, except for Entourage.

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Friday, April 24, 2015

Posted By on Fri, Apr 24, 2015 at 5:00 PM

This film was not screened for critics locally, so we took a look at the trailer.

Film: Little Boy
Opening Date: Fri., April 24
Stars: Jakob Salvati, Emily Watson, Michael Rappaport
Necessary Info: “From the producers of Son of God”

Sample dialogue: “But if I have enough faith, nothing’s impossible, right?”

Trailer Analysis: In a perfect vintage movie town — soda fountains, bungalows and clean boys in cloth caps — a kid believes he has the extra-ordinary power to bring his dad back from World War II. The kid makes “magic” shapes with his hands a lot. The words “miracle” and “courage” are used. Two sunsets are shown. (Side note: If I was making a gee-whiz inspirational movie about WWII, I wouldn’t call it “Little Boy,” which was the name of the A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima.)

Based on these 2:17 minutes, should you go? If there’s nothing new playing on the Hallmark Channel

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Friday, April 17, 2015

Posted By on Fri, Apr 17, 2015 at 3:59 PM

These films were not screened for critics locally, so we took a look at the trailers.

Film: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
Opening Date: Fri., April 17
Stars: Kevin James
Necessary Info: From the long, tear-stained list of Sequels We Never Asked For

Sample dialogue: “Security is a mission, not an intermission.”

Trailer Analysis: Mall cop Paul Blart goes to Las Vegas for a security-officer convention and winds up stopping a big heist — presumably the entire plot of this movie, which should have cost $1,000 and a weekend to make. None of the trailer’s “highlight” jokes — falling off a Segway, fighting a peacock and punching an old lady — are fresh or funny. James is depicted five separate times falling down (not funny), which isn’t as much screen time as the Wynn resort logo gets (six appearances, also not funny).

Based on these 2:40 minutes, should you go? No. Even fans of silly, pratfall comedy deserve better.

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Friday, March 20, 2015

Posted By on Fri, Mar 20, 2015 at 3:27 PM

This film was not screened for critics locally, so we took a look at the trailer.

Film: The Gunman
Opening Date: Fri., March 20
Stars: Sean Penn, Javier Bardem, Ray Winstone, Mark Rylance and Idris Elba (British version)
Necessary Info: “From the director of Taken”; a good guy who acted like a bad guy now has to act super-bad to take out the bad guys trying to kill him, a.k.a. the Noble Assassin’s Sad Tale

Sample dialogue: Penn, pointing a gun: “Then we got nothing left to talk about.”

Trailer Analysis: Not helpful for plot — seems like Penn is an assassin who now has to be killed to cover up something, so he gets to work killing first. Javier Bardem plays a smirky bad guy, and is sporting his first normal hairdo in years. Penn is all beefed up, but his face looks like he washes with sandpaper; no wonder the trailer has two scenes of him looking mournfully in mirrors. Only woman featured is shown: dressing, in bed, kidnapped. Lots of whispery threats. Mostly standard selection of weapons: huge gun, small gun, fist, machete, knife, grenade, bull (maybe).

Based on these 2:17 minutes, should you go? If you regret missing Taken 3 earlier this year

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