To know Pittsburgh is to love it, whether you want to or not, because once you enter its magnetic field, it never lets you go. It doesn’t matter if you were born here and never left, boomeranged back, or moved here from New Castle or New York, this city will embrace you, but only if you act right, and the same rules apply to all of us. Many will succeed, some will falter. Here are the 13 types of people who might need to work a little harder to earn their yinzer stripes.
People who thought this was a big city
When I first moved to Pittsburgh from Austin, Texas — at the time, a mid-sized, one-degree-of-separation type city — I kept asking questions that raised eyebrows. Where’s the 24-hour coffee shop? How do I pick up bins for weekly recycling and compost? (“Go to Home Depot,” a 311 responder told me.) Where can we grab dinner on a Monday? After a few weeks, friends who hailed from even bigger cities took pity on me, quietly pulled me aside, and gave me the Pittsburgh equivalent of Ned Beatty’s Network speech: This is not a big city. Don’t try to make it anything other than what it is.
If Austin had one degree of separation, Pittsburgh had no degrees, and I shouldn’t expect much after 9 p.m. — something true to this day. Of course, once you shed expectations, Pittsburgh is endlessly charming, and punches far above its weight in terms of big-city amenities. Now I’m the converted, preaching: Food! Parks! Five universities, three pro sports teams, a world-class symphony and museums! Embrace the city on its own terms and it will embrace you – even though I’d still love that all-night coffee shop. -Rachel Wilkinson
People who like change
Once upon a time there was a place called Starlake Amphitheatre. It was purchased and renamed a few times over the years, but no one cared, and everyone still called it Starlake. Now, it’s called Starlake once again because in Pittsburgh, we do not accept change. Apparently Heinz Field is now called something else, but I’ve never heard a single local use the new name. Sheryl Crow once told us “I think a change would do you good.” She was wrong. If you don’t think so, you’re probably not going to fit in very well here. -Ali Trachta
People who don’t want to live in community with deer
We live in Pittsburgh, my dear, and the deer are here to stay. With milder winters and plenty to eat, there are considerably more of them grazing in our yards than ever. And they’re not afraid to turn your roses, lilies, and hostas into an all-you-can-eat buffet.
See how they look at you through your sliding glass window? Yeah, they don’t care. Are there more deer poops in your yard than you can count? It happens to all of us. And during rut, they might just kamikaze right onto 279 during rush hour. They’ll ruin your Subaru just as fast as they ruined your hydrangeas.
Between 2004 and 2023, the number of deer carcasses picked up by Animal Care and Control spiked from 140 to a stark 575 in just two decades — a 411% increase. And unless Pittsburgh continually expands its archery and sharpshoot programs, that number will keep going up.
My advice? Embrace them. (Not literally because this isn’t Disney; they’re wild animals.) Learn to live with their presence, because they’re not going anywhere. -Stacy Rounds
People who like driving on a grid
I remember the exact date Google Maps released turn-by-turn voice commands, because without them, I’d be dead. You take someone who already lacks a sense of direction and drop them onto the Fort Pitt tunnel in their first 48 hours in Pittsburgh — it’s by god’s grace I’m still here.
Driving in the East End, I actually recall thinking, “I’ll just figure it out. Surely the streets are numbered?” (Yes and no!) If you, too, relied on a grid, or any discernible traffic patterns, to drive, you won’t make it in Pittsburgh without cultivating a sense of adventure (or without my other method: taking public transit). Can you drive home using the same route you came? No! If you miss your exit, can you simply get off the highway and turn around on the access road? Not always! It’s a fun game. Maybe you wind up accidentally crossing a bridge and then going on a construction detour! Of course, I’ve acclimated by now, but don’t think that I don’t notice every time I make a right turn — yes, a 90-degree perpendicular turn — to stay on Bigelow Blvd. Take a breath because it’s all part of the adventure. -RW
People who say “sportsball”
Pittsburgh is a sports town, period. Not only does this city love to celebrate and/or complain about its three (arguably four) major teams, ascendant minor-league teams, and many college programs, but locals’ knowledge of these teams goes deep. If you say “sportsball” or make the mistake of feigning knowledge of sports in a Pittsburgh dive bar, get ready for a ribbing. Don’t wade in with opinions if you aren’t willing to defend them.
One tip: ask the questions you have. You’re as likely to get a great primer on the mechanics of an offensive line as you are a lengthy, nostalgic story about the time your barstool neighbor saw Roberto Clemente at Forbes Field. People have internalized the names and stats of dead Pirates, washed Steelers, and pre-Lemieux Penguins. The city shows up in force for its teams — familiarizing yourself with the Steelers’ home schedule at a minimum can help you avoid sitting in traffic for 45 minutes on a Sunday. -Colin Williams
People who come from a flat city
I went to college in Wisconsin — a flat-ass place. In the middle of the university’s flat-ass campus was this one hill, called Bascom Hill, and when I tell you everyone bitched about having to shlep up that thing on the way to class, truly, Pittsburghers, you wouldn’t believe. This thing is a lovely slope. It’s a nice little incline. It’s not Negley Ave. or, heaven forbid, Rialto St., but these cornfield-born midwesterners just could not handle it. So, plains people, just be aware that if you move here, there are Bascoms all over the place, and you’re going to need to engage your glutes a bit when you walk around. That’s just the way it is. -AT
People who aren’t down to cry at Arby’s
Having a good cry at the Arby’s on McKnight Rd. is a time-honored tradition for North Hills residents and for nonresidents braving the construction traffic to shop at Ross Park Mall. If you need a place to pull over, order some curly fries, and let it all out, this is the best place to cry in Pittsburgh.
Why is Arby’s the best place to cry? Why not? Maybe you’re having a rough day, maybe you’re forlorn over your relationship, or maybe your eyes were too big for your stomach and you can’t finish your 5 for $5. From a notorious missed connection to a horror story about a day that they didn’t have the meats, this particular Arby’s is a genuinely unhappy place. It’s no wonder people flock there to let their tears flow like Sprite from a fountain.
If you’re going to cry in public, it might as well be someplace that’s just a little sad by nature, am I right? -SR
People who eat Hunts Ketchup
GTFO. -AT
People who aren’t handy
Pittsburgh’s four seasons are rough on homes and cars. If you’ve never picked up a screwdriver or you resort to buying your friends six-packs to get that IKEA furniture built, get ready for a lot of bills from contractors and mechanics.
The culprit in the ’Burgh is almost always water. It finds cracks in our century-old houses, freezes and destroys our roads, and occasionally accumulates in local floods that damage homes and businesses. You can save yourself endless hassles and a good bit of money with even basic handiness. Cleaning your gutters, knowing basic plumbing and wiring, and keeping your tires appropriately filled and your fluids topped off will stave off 90% of those emergencies.
It can also help to know your neighbors — lots of longtime residents have untold quantities of tools in their basements and garages and can help you with a quick repair or a brake job if you keep things friendly. -CW
People who think Mister Rogers is creepy
If you want to piss off Pittsburgh, talk shit about Mister Rogers. The man is a saint, he’s ours, and he was one of the few people to grace this earth who wholly embodied the human capacity for good. Calling him “creepy” is a surefire way to stop a conversation in its tracks. There are Steel City residents who would throw hands for the empathetic puppeteer, who remains a beloved childhood institution even as Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood spinoffs grow their own popular following. Save the scoffing for actual perverts, capisce? -CW
People who are weird about running into their exes
If I had a nickel for every time I said “Pittsburgh is so very small” I’d be hauling barrels full of five-cent pieces to the nearest Coinstar. In this town, no one is a new acquaintance, and most likely, you share a mutual friend or former employer, or, for years, have been passing each other like ships in the night at every bar, supermarket, and music venue within a 10-mile radius.
The sentiment especially applies to the city’s dating scene, and if you’re one to hold grudges, your Pittsburgh social life is all but doomed. If you’re not willing to accept that the person who stiffed you on rent before dumping your ass might also be serving you a latte at your local coffee shop, walking their dog in the same parklet, or browsing in the same aisle at Market District, then you might as well relocate. If you both frequented the same haunt, odds are that, post break-up, they will be there, waiting to ruin your night. If you share mutual friends, they will be at your bestie’s housewarming party with their new squeeze, whether you like it or not.
Yes, it would be wonderful if a break-up meant that the person who presumably wronged you would disappear into another dimension, never to be seen again. But that’s not reality. To survive in Pittsburgh, you can’t let your romantic terrorists win. -Amanda Waltz
People who can’t parallel park
I’ve lived and driven in a handful of other major cities and let me tell you, when it comes to parking, Pittsburgh is the wild west; a lawless land. If there’s a teensy bit of space on the side of the road, and you can fit there, you’re going to, signs and rules be damned. So if you’re going to make it here, you need to be crafty with that steering wheel, especially considering that, half the time, you’re going to be maneuvering on a hill, possibly in the snow, possibly in heels, possibly on the left-hand side of the street, possibly in a beat up old Pontiac. But don’t worry, you got this! You’d better, anyway. -AT
People who want privacy from their neighbors
Neighborliness is a key Pittsburgh trait, but so is nebbiness. If your highest priority is privacy, you might consider moving to the exurbs instead.
Within the city itself, rowhouse architecture lends itself to tight-knit communities, but even more suburban Pittsburgh neighborhoods have their share of altruists and busybodies who make it a point to know the folks on their street as well as they can. It’s a double-edged sword: on the one hand, you’ve got a dozen potential pet-sitters; on the other, everyone knows how late you came home last night. Writ large, though, it’s these strong community bonds that make Pittsburgh what it is and give us our distinct Appalachian blend of east coast spice and heartland openness. -CW
Update: Check us out on City Cast discussing the 13 people here:
This article appears in Oct 23-29, 2024.
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