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Two-Fer-One 

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I'm not saying he was drunk

Nor even implying he had been drinking,

But if you asked for my opinion

I'd probably say his eyes were glassy

When he shot the two kids in their heads over on South Side.

Now his name isn't important

So don't ask me,

I'll just tell you the story and give you most of the facts,

And you can determine the outcome.

For the sake of argument let's just call him Cosmo

And he was Italian proud

And sometimes smelled of Genoa cheese and garlic.

We were young policemen at the time

And slightly more than rookies.

We believed in truth 

And of course The American Way 

Helping old ladies cross the street

And tipping our hats to young beauties of spring.

We were the defenders of the good

Apple pie

Don't even think of burning a flag

And don't ever cuss in front of granny.

Cosmo was off-duty

And he carried a gun wherever his feet led him.

Didn't matter if he was going to empty the garbage 

Or if he was going to church.

He was always packing heat.

That night he was going to Community College

Taking a course in Administration of Justice.

He was in fact kind of minding his own business

When he was walking past a gas station.

It was the times when they had gas attendants,

Guys would actually pump your gas

Check your oil

And even wash your windows.

Well, these two less than honorable and

I don't want to say thugs

But young less than honorable citizens

(Now I'm not even implying thugs)

But as I was saying these two less than honorable citizens

Were pushing around and more or less bullying the gas attendant.

To Cosmo it looked almost like a robbery in progress. 

Now remember this was the times of Dirty Harry movies:

"Was it five shots or six

And do you feel lucky, punk?"

Cosmo grabbed the two

I don't want to say punks

But the less than honorable dudes

And threw them down on their bellies,

He pulled his Browning automatic

And stuck the barrel on the back of one scallywag's head

And he was patting them down for weapons.

It was then that the culprit tried to jump up

Hit the barrel of the gun

Causing pressure on Cosmo's finger

And BLAM a bullet goes right through the side of the ruffian's head.

Then the bullet ricocheted off the cement

And BLAM hit the other bumpkin in his head.

(Now I can't say for certain that the two were scallywags

Culprits or ruffians.)

Well, the shot slowed everybody down

And an ambulance came.

Both yahoos were taken to the hospital emergency room

And both rascals lived to tell their story in court. 

(They could have been yahoos or rascals, but I'm not sure.) 

Their story was that they were just getting gasoline

And were on their way to church.

The attendant told the judge he didn't need any help

Especially from Magnum Force

We were all young ambitious shiny badges

Mirrored sunglasses

And were proud of Cosmo. 

But he did get sued for lots of money.

Cosmo did get an A in Administration of Justice

And graduated with an Associate Degree.

And all of us guys would go to the pistol range and practice

Shooting paper targets on the ground

And we'd say, "Was that one shot or two, punk,

Do you feel lucky?" 

I'll tell you again

Outside of liking cheese and garlic

I'm pretty sure that Cosmo wasn't drinking that day,

But if he was I'm sure it was only wine.

Sometimes I wish there were gas-station attendants

Just to clean my windows so I can see better.

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