I'm not saying he was drunk
Nor even implying he had been drinking,
But if you asked for my opinion
I'd probably say his eyes were glassy
When he shot the two kids in their heads over on South Side.
Now his name isn't important
So don't ask me,
I'll just tell you the story and give you most of the facts,
And you can determine the outcome.
For the sake of argument let's just call him Cosmo
And he was Italian proud
And sometimes smelled of Genoa cheese and garlic.
We were young policemen at the time
And slightly more than rookies.
We believed in truth
And of course The American Way
Helping old ladies cross the street
And tipping our hats to young beauties of spring.
We were the defenders of the good
Apple pie
Don't even think of burning a flag
And don't ever cuss in front of granny.
Cosmo was off-duty
And he carried a gun wherever his feet led him.
Didn't matter if he was going to empty the garbage
Or if he was going to church.
He was always packing heat.
That night he was going to Community College
Taking a course in Administration of Justice.
He was in fact kind of minding his own business
When he was walking past a gas station.
It was the times when they had gas attendants,
Guys would actually pump your gas
Check your oil
And even wash your windows.
Well, these two less than honorable and
I don't want to say thugs
But young less than honorable citizens
(Now I'm not even implying thugs)
But as I was saying these two less than honorable citizens
Were pushing around and more or less bullying the gas attendant.
To Cosmo it looked almost like a robbery in progress.
Now remember this was the times of Dirty Harry movies:
"Was it five shots or six
And do you feel lucky, punk?"
Cosmo grabbed the two
I don't want to say punks
But the less than honorable dudes
And threw them down on their bellies,
He pulled his Browning automatic
And stuck the barrel on the back of one scallywag's head
And he was patting them down for weapons.
It was then that the culprit tried to jump up
Hit the barrel of the gun
Causing pressure on Cosmo's finger
And BLAM a bullet goes right through the side of the ruffian's head.
Then the bullet ricocheted off the cement
And BLAM hit the other bumpkin in his head.
(Now I can't say for certain that the two were scallywags
Culprits or ruffians.)
Well, the shot slowed everybody down
And an ambulance came.
Both yahoos were taken to the hospital emergency room
And both rascals lived to tell their story in court.
(They could have been yahoos or rascals, but I'm not sure.)
Their story was that they were just getting gasoline
And were on their way to church.
The attendant told the judge he didn't need any help
Especially from Magnum Force
We were all young ambitious shiny badges
Mirrored sunglasses
And were proud of Cosmo.
But he did get sued for lots of money.
Cosmo did get an A in Administration of Justice
And graduated with an Associate Degree.
And all of us guys would go to the pistol range and practice
Shooting paper targets on the ground
And we'd say, "Was that one shot or two, punk,
Do you feel lucky?"
I'll tell you again
Outside of liking cheese and garlic
I'm pretty sure that Cosmo wasn't drinking that day,
But if he was I'm sure it was only wine.
Sometimes I wish there were gas-station attendants
Just to clean my windows so I can see better.
