I'm out of your usual demographic, age-wise (I'm 70), but I am still an avid reader. My cousin and I have flirted and joked about getting it on together for 50 years or more. Now she's divorced and having the time of her life. The other day, she told me she'd like to have a "lesbian experience" with me watching and then joining. This is a kinky dream come true! What I don't know is how to contact someone to do this. I don't want someone who's got a disease, or someone with a boyfriend waiting to break in and rob everyone. How do I arrange such a thing? How would I ensure my concerns are dealt with? Is using an escort service any guarantee of safety?
Old But Alive
"Good for you, OBA, for acknowledging that you'd love a lust-crazed encounter with your cousin and a third," said Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. "I hope you're indulging that lust with plenty of hot talk, make-out sessions and role-playing as you figure out how to make your fantasy a reality."
I was going to let Price field this one solo, as she's the expert on senior sex. But I'm going to break in to note that while cousin-on-cousin action strikes many people as deeply squicky, there's nothing illegal or dangerous about cousins — even first cousins — doing it. First-cousin marriage is legal in 25 states (and legally recognized all 50 states) and Canada. And we're not talking about marriage: We're talking about scorching-hot seventysomething-on-seventysomething action between two people who share a grandparent. (In the "both descending from" sense of the word "share," not ... any other sense.)
OK, back to Price.
"Start hanging out at lesbian bars and other social venues," said Price. "Don't go in aiming to pick someone up right off the bat — you don't want to come across as predatory and creepy. Instead, go on a date with your cousin, dance, chat up women who are friendly. You could make great connections if you're open and take your time."
I gotta break in again. Loath as I am to contradict Price, don't hang out in lesbian bars. About the only thing lesbians hate more than opposite-sex couples prowling for "thirds" in their bars are sharp fingernails digging for clams in their pants. And while at first you might be treated like a cute older couple who wandered away from their assisted-living community, as soon as the other patrons realize that you're just another opposite-sex couple who feels entitled to lesbian space, attention and pussy, you'll be out on your asses. For the love of all things holy, stay out of lesbian bars.
OK, back to Price's advice:
"Another way to go, as you suggested, is to hire someone," said Price. "The advantage of a paid escort is that you can choose the woman and spell out exactly what fantasy you want her to provide. She'll be experienced, creative and focused on your pleasure."
Breaking in again: Yes! Hire someone! Young couples complain about how hard it is to find a willing third — they're called "unicorns" for a reason — and forgive me for being ageist, but time is not on your side. Hire someone immediately — someone older, who has been in the field for a while (look for reviews online), as they're less likely to rip you off or play you.
"As for getting a disease," concluded Price, "you will use safer-sex practices with either a paid escort or a new friend. Don't even consider otherwise."
Breaking in one last time: Use condoms, even if there's no risk of pregnancy, as condoms decrease your risk for contracting — or passing along — many STIs. But there's no way to eliminate the risk. You have to decide whether the risk of contracting an STI is worth the reward of a three-way with your cousin. And I think we both know the answer.
Joan Price blogs about sex and aging at NakedAtOurAge.com. Follow her on Twitter @JoanPrice.
My husband and I have been swingers for years. Our issue? I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy two years ago, and neither of us has wavered in our desire to remain child-free. We know the "father" is the male of a couple we play with regularly. We used protection, but these things are never foolproof. We consider ourselves good friends with this couple, but we are not in any sort of "poly" relationship with them. Do we need to tell the couple about what happened and our decision to terminate the pregnancy? We wouldn't ask them to help pay for the procedure, and their feelings wouldn't change our course of action. We're just unsure about the "swinger etiquette."
No Acronym Here
No method of birth control is foolproof — not even a vasectomy. Now, the failure rate for vasectomies, according to the Centers for Disease Control, clocks in at 0.01 percent, which is far, far lower than the failure rate for, say, condoms (3 percent with "perfect use," 15 percent with "typical use"). But there are documented cases of men who've had vasectomies impregnating their female partners.
So it's possible that your husband fertilized that egg. You can cling to that small possibility and opt not to inform the other couple about your pregnancy. But I would urge you to tell them. One in three North American women have had an abortion, but millions of men don't know that they have benefited from access to safe and legal abortion services because their female partners terminated pregnancies without informing them.
On the off chance your play buddy is either against abortion or hasn't given the issue much thought — because he's never needed one — you should let him know that your freedom to choose has benefited him and his family. You should also let him know there's a small chance your husband impregnated you. Either way, you're terminating this pregnancy.
On the Lovecast, Dan welcomes philosophy professor and gay-rights diplomat John Corvino: www.savagelovecast.com.