I am an 18-year-old pansexual girl. I'm in a relationship with a guy who is a bit younger. We get along great, our friends like us together, yada yada yada. He wants to do the waiting-until-marriage thing for sex. I'm cool with that. He wants to do this for religious reasons, which I mostly agree with: We met in youth group, after all.
I lost the big V about a year ago. He knows about that, isn't happy about it ('cause he hasn't), but is willing to date me anyway. What hasn't come up is the subject of porn and masturbation. He doesn't do either (or won't fess up) and doesn't approve. I do both. The porn I am willing to forgo, but I don't want to give up pleasuring myself. This guy knows nothing. He has talked about how we ought to "keep ourselves pure." (My thoughts on purity: I've already screwed that up!) Is there a good way to communicate that I'm not going to give up masturbating? It took long enough just to show him I wasn't the spawn of Satan because I like girls as much as I like guys. Should I try giving up masturbation? Or not tell him about what I do in my own bedroom?
Mismatched On Sex
The best way to communicate to this boy that you aren't gonna give up masturbation is to break the fuck up with him. Your boyfriend is essentially forcing you to pick between him or masturbation, and the choice is obvious: Masturbation is a pleasurable friend that doesn't judge or shame you, and your boyfriend is a sex-negative, controlling, judgmental scold.
After you've enjoyed a few dozen guilt-free orgasms, ask yourself why you wasted even two minutes of your time on a guy with whom you're clearly not sexually compatible. You're pansexual! Somewhat sexually experienced! You masturbate! You enjoy porn! I could understand dating a guy who was a virgin and wanted to remain sexually inactive for now, but dating someone you had to talk out of seeing you as the spawn of Satan? Someone you have to lie to about something as common and healthy as masturbation? Not worth it. You want to be with someone who likes you and wants to be with you, and this boy doesn't.
Finally: I hope that parenthetical in your second paragraph was meant sarcastically. But just in case: Being sexually active does not make you "impure." I think you know that, but I want you to get out of this relationship while you still believe it.
I'm a 24-year-old straight male and I'm unattractive. Physically I'm not bad, but I've suffered from extreme depression all my life. I've gotten help, and it's made me a little better. But low self-esteem and lethargy aren't exactly the best things for attracting the opposite sex. I've never felt romantic chemistry with a woman, and I'm losing faith that it will ever happen. I've always tried to respect women, but my inability to attract them sometimes leaves me feeling resentful. I don't want to become a bitter men's-rights activist, so I'm wondering if you have any advice.
Unattractive Guy Longingly Yearns
Did you see Louis C.K.'s most recent comedy special? He does this bit about shlumpy guys — guys like him — who don't have much luck with women when they're young. "I like getting older," he says. "My sex life? Way better at 45 ... I'd like to make one of those ‘It Gets Better' ads for dumpy young guys. We could use a little help."
Louis C.K.'s advice for you: "Stay relatively employed and washed; you're going to be amazing in your 40s. You're going to be the branch that she can grab before she hits the ground. It's going to be so great. It just takes time for her circumstances to match your looks. When real shit matters, you're going to be the sexiest motherfucker in the world."
My advice: Keep working on your depression, throw yourself into nonsexual pursuits that you enjoy, build a career, locate and patronize (and overtip) an independent sex worker (which can help you learn to interact with women), and don't allow bitterness to ruin you for your 40s.
What is the lesbian synonym for twink?
Can't Ask Lesbian Friends
I tossed your question to the wolves who follow me on Twitter, and got a few suggestions: twyke, dykelet, and Bieber. But the term of art is "baby dyke."
I expected more from your response to the manager who was attempting to advise a "Mexican" employee having romantic problems. Unless the word Mexican was used to describe a loyal, honest, eager worker, I'm not sure how it was germane. I was surprised you didn't address this with ERR. It seems to underlie, and subliminally support, some people's predisposed — OK, prejudicial — views. Here's a fun exercise: Replace the word Mexican with the word "black" in ERR's question. Now try Jew. Now try Russian ... French ... Italian ... Thousand Islands? (Kidding, but this is a restaurant we're talking about.) See how the descriptor can change the feel of the story, without being part of it?
Tim In Toronto
A lot of immigrants from Mexico — documented and undocumented — work in restaurants in the United States. Having worked in restaurants myself, and having worked with a lot of Mexican immigrants, I thought the detail was germane for this reason: New or relatively new residents are often baffled by our strange sexual mores, which can include married ladies sleeping with restaurant workers who aren't their husbands. (This never happens in Mexico, of course, because Mexican wives are loyal and honest and eager.) During my years in the restaurant industry, I witnessed many decent restaurant managers help their Mexican employees navigate the unfamiliar social, political and sexual mores and expectations they were encountering. So the detail struck me as relevant and benign.
On the Lovecast, why divorce rates are so high among religious conservatives: savagelovecast.com.
