I am a straight male, in a long-term monogamous relationship. I love my wife, we have good sex. When we first got together, I had a mild foot fetish. We have done and still do foot play on occasion. But my fetish has grown stronger as time has passed, and I have grown thirstier for her appendages. I am still willing to do everything with my partner and make sure she is satisfied. It's just that she is not much into foot play and is rarely willing to partake. When she does partake, it is brief, and then we are on to the next. How can I relate my insatiable desire without sounding like an absolute freak? Is it fair to ask for this after being together so long without the same need?
Fighting Extreme Erotic Tension
I didn't run your letter the first 10,000 times you sent it, FEET, because any regular reader — and someone who emails me daily for three years is presumed to be a regular reader — would know what my advice would be in a case like yours: Level with your wife about your fucking foot fetish already, you fucking coward.
You downplayed your kink at the start of your relationship, and you haven't told your wife about how your kink has grown in intensity. So she may think brief foot sessions are enough to satisfy you. Would those sessions be longer, more intense and freakier if she knew how central this was to your sexuality? There's only one way to find out: Stop worrying about sounding like an "absolute freak" and come out to your partner as the absolute freak that you are.
While your dilemma is stupid and your spamming is annoying, I ran your letter because this is actually a pretty good hypothetical: "Is it fair to ask for this after being together so long without the same need?"
Sexual boredom is a huge problem in many long-term monogamous relationships. Humans are wired to seek some novelty and variety in everything we do. Two people who agree not to seek sexual novelty or variety outside of their relationship have to work at creating some of both inside the relationship, or risk watching their sexual connection wither. (That's not always fatal — there are plenty of happy sexless marriages — but a dead sexual connection can poison a relationship.) So one partner asking to explore a newfound sexual interest — or coming clean about a suppressed kink — can be a good thing.
There is risk in disclosing: What if one partner's "new need" is another partner's libido-killer? But based on the mail I receive, sexual boredom poses a much bigger threat to a relationship than coming clean ever could.
I'm a straight woman who has been married for 10 years. We've been in a rut, emotionally and sexually, for a few years. Neither of us has done anything to harm our marriage. We are very good together, and the love we have for one another is huge. I have plenty of male friends, but there is one that I've been getting to know — a colleague — and he is a stellar human being. We really connect. He kissed me a few weeks ago. I liked it. The impact on my marriage has been strangely great. I disclosed everything to my husband. He said, "I couldn't get in the way of your happiness. Is this something you need to explore?" We're communicating better now, our sex life is off the chain and we're committed to working through things. So why can't I stop thinking of my colleague? I think of him all day long. I think of him when I'm making love to my husband. I don't plan on seeing him anymore. He is a distraction to my marriage. But what on earth do you do to get someone out of your head?
Wanting It Forever
If you feel like spending time with your colleague is a threat to your marriage, and if protecting your marriage is a priority (and it should be), then keep doing what you're doing: Keep fucking your husband, keep avoiding your colleague, keep feeling your feelings. (Because what other choice do you have?) With enough time, your crush should wither away.
That said ...
So far, it would appear that this affair — this emotional affair — has dislodged something that reinvigorated your marriage. So if your colleague knew you were married and didn't ask you to leave your husband, and if your husband asked whether this was "something you need to explore," you might be able to have a relationship with your colleague without having to end your marriage. Love isn't always a zero-sum game.
If a random guy hands a girl his number — unsolicited — on a piece of paper without talking to the girl first, is it wrong for the girl's boyfriend to send this random guy a picture of his shit? I think it's OK to send a picture. Others seem to think it's abhorrent. Also, I think worse things have happened to people who ask out girls with protective and insecure boyfriends.
Asshole move, but RG is just gonna delete the pic and get on with his life. So it's not really RG that you're trying to intimidate or humiliate. It's your girlfriend. You're telling her that she's stuck with a guy who will react like a huge asshole whenever someone else expresses the least interest in her — even if she didn't invite it.
And you shouldn't act like an asshole even if she did invite it. Sometimes partnered people engage in a little innocent flirting because it makes them feel attractive — and then, all cranked up, they go home and fuck the shit out of their partners. If you can't chill out about it, sooner or later, your girlfriend is gonna get sick of your shit and delete you.
On the Savage Lovecast, Dan and fashionista Simon Doonan talk fashion and get real bitchy at savagelovecast.com.