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Resist the urge to make unenforceable rules like "You may not see this guy." That will only undermine your authority

I'm a 25-year-old male. After a tragic set of circumstances, I am now the legal guardian of my 15-year-old brother. He's gay. Fortunately, our parents took care of "the talk" and taught him how to use condoms. Unfortunately, he has started dating a senior who is about to turn 18 and is a fucking sleazeball. You know the type: entitled, narcissistic, drives a BMW paid for by rich parents. This asshole grabs my brother's ass or says disgusting things like "You really look fuckable in those jeans." I told him to stop, and he just replied, "Sorry, I can't keep my hands off such a hottie."

My parents would probably know what to do, but they're dead. I don't think he's mature enough to be in a sexual relationship, but I'm fairly sure he is sexually active. I told him that he couldn't see his boyfriend anymore, but he has continued to see him behind my back and now doesn't tell me anything going on with his life. 

As a parent yourself, what would you do?

New Parent Needs Help

I'm so sorry about the tragedy that befell your family. You deserve nothing but praise for taking your brother in and taking him on.

That said ...

You don't need to round your brother's boyfriend up to 18 — you don't need to round him up to "statutory rapist" — to make him sound like an asshole. He sounds like a big enough asshole at age 17. But there's nothing inappropriate about a 17-year-old dating a 15-year-old. You may be tempted to alert the authorities after your brother's asshole boyfriend (BAB) turns 18, but your state's age-of-consent laws treat sex between a minor and an adult differently if the adult is within three years of the minor's age.

It's also entirely appropriate for a 17-year-old gay boy to grab his 15-year-old boyfriend's ass, and to tell boyfriend that he looks fuckable in his jeans. But it is insanely inappropriate to do those things in front of his boyfriend's parent or guardian. Speak up when BAB behaves like an asshole in front of you. If the asshole doesn't listen, ask him to leave. It's your house and you make the rules. 

But resist the urge to make unenforceable rules like "You may not see this guy." That will only undermine your authority while driving them into each other's arms. Worse, if your brother isn't supposed to be seeing this guy, he won't feel comfortable turning to you for advice if BAB is pressuring him to do anything dangerous. Your brother needs to be able to talk about his relationship with you. He can't do that if he's not supposed to be in that relationship.

And take comfort: If BAB is as shallow as you make him sound, odds are he'll tire of your brother soon enough and move on to the next hot piece of ass who's impressed by his BMW.

My dad just died. He was a pedophile. A lot of stuff is coming up for my brother and me now. There are things he did that we know about, but some things happened when we were so young that we're not sure about. My bro says he's had dreams throughout his life — many more of them lately — about a cock in his mouth. He's hetero and has been married for more than 20 years. He wonders if other straight men have dreams like this or if it is some manifestation of the abuse. Do straight men ever have dreams of a cock in their mouth? Or is it odd?

The Brothers Grim

"I am very sorry for TBG's loss, as complicated as it is," said Dr. James Cantor, a psychologist and editor-in-chief of Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment. "The quick answer to his question: Although it is unusual, having dreams like that does not, by itself, mean a man is gay or otherwise into penises. Although there haven't been any formal surveys, gay men usually dream (and fantasize while masturbating) about men in general: muscles and faces, celebrities and crushes, favorite sex acts, etc. I haven't heard a gay man — friend or client — describe dreams restricted lifelong to just penis-in-mouth."

Dr. Cantor offers a caveat: "For a long time, many folks believed that such dreams were repressed memories trying to surface. But there was never any good evidence for it. In fact, a great deal of harm has been done by well-meaning ‘therapists' who wound up creating false memories of abuse and destroying whole families." So for the record: "Having such dreams, by itself, does not mean a person was abused."

What is odd, however, is the long-standing, repetitive nature of the dreams.

Dreams "can suggest that there is something on his mind," said Dr. Cantor. "If life is going generally well, and this is just a harmless eccentricity, so be it. If, however, your brother is experiencing more general distress, then that distress — whether fallout from childhood abuse, from the death of your father or something else — could be targeted with a bona fide, licensed therapist. Complicated situations like yours almost always involve multiple strong and conflicting emotions. Because you say lots of stuff (other than these dreams) is coming up for you both, an objective outsider/listener can help in sorting it out."

What do you say to a college-age brother who tells you more about his sex life than you want to hear? He was a late bloomer, he's kind of insecure and I think he's excited to be doing well socially and sexually. But I don't want to hear about it anymore.

Brotherly Boundaries

"There are two kinds of guys in the world, bro. Guys who can't stop talking about all the pussy they're getting, and guys who're actually getting all sorts of pussy."

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan interviews feminist blogger Amanda Marcotte on the hysteria surrounding female sexuality and hookup culture on college campuses. Find it at savagelovecast.com.

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