I'm a 26-year-old straight female. I just fucked a guy while on holiday in Costa Rica. I thought I was sex-positive and adventurous, so why do I feel so ashamed? I'm dating a boy back in the U.S. who I adore, but we're not necessarily exclusive. The guy was a 22-year-old local — I thought he was so sweet. But he did that "fuck her and then get her out of bed and drive her home" shit. I feel so fucking pathetic right now. Is this a natural feeling? Or is it a result of some deep psychological self-induced slut-shaming? Why would he kick me out like that?
Truly Underestimated Risk In Sexual Tourist Adventure
You had a one-night stand, the dude wouldn't let you spend the night, and now you're having a meltdown. Why? Because like a lot of people who want to have one-night stands, you psyched yourself up to believe that you two had some sort of meaningful insta-connection. ("I thought he was so sweet.") You convinced yourself that if circumstances were different, you could see yourself dating this guy. You rounded this dude up to boyfriend material, TURISTA, but the way he treated you after the sex was over — "OK, lady, back to the hotel" — stripped away your illusions: He was a player, and you had been played.
Was your reaction sex-negative? Yes. Are you slut-shaming yourself? Yes. You did something kind of sleazy on vacation, just like millions of other people, and you misjudged someone. But who hasn't?
As for why he kicked you out, I couldn't tell you. Maybe he's in a relationship that's "not necessarily exclusive," and his girlfriend was coming over and wouldn't appreciate finding a turista — yet another one — in his bed.
I'm a straight guy with a long-term girlfriend who has a choking fetish. She needs to be choked during sex to get off. I'm more of a vanilla dude, but in the spirit of being GGG, I've been doing this for her. The thing is, it kind of scares me. I don't particularly get off on it, and it brings out parts of me that I don't like. More importantly, I'm really scared of hurting her. Recently while on vacation, hotel security was called because our neighbors thought I was assaulting her, as she's a screamer and likes to struggle during sex. Now it feels like every fuck needs to be a rape scene, complete with choking. She doesn't like it any other way. I don't want to accidentally hurt her or kill her and wind up in jail, but she's dismissive of my concerns. My friends in the BDSM scene say that breath play is never OK. Your thoughts?
Throat Harm Really Obsesses This Terrific Lady Entirely
Here's what BDSM author, educator and activist Jay Wiseman says about choking in his book SM 101: A Realistic Introduction: "I know of no way whatsoever that suffocation or strangulation can be done that does not intrinsically put the recipient at risk of cardiac arrest. ... I know of no reliable way to determine when such a cardiac arrest becomes imminent. If the recipient does arrest, the probability of resuscitating them, even with optimal CPR, is small."
Even if choking weren't dangerous — posts about people accidentally killing themselves during solo choking scenes appear on fetish blogs with depressing regularity — being this woman's boyfriend/assailant has to be tedious. Even if choking were safe, THROTTLE, you need to ask yourself if you wanna spend your life with someone who's as selfish and sexually limited as your girlfriend seems to be.
I am a 29-year-old lesbian. My best friend has an incredibly hot sister to whom I am very attracted. Let's call her Gladys. Gladys is happily married to a man. We talk on Facebook and text each other frequently. Recently, things have gotten a bit more flirtatious. I am dying to say to her, "I am super-attracted to you and I don't want to assume anything about your agreements with your hubby. If you ever want to explore your sexuality with a girl, I would love to be that girl." It seems like a delicate situation. I love my best friend's family. I love their mom. I have spent holidays at their house and vacationed with them. I don't want to embarrass myself. Is there a way to roll this out?
Lesbian Under Straight Tease
Let's do a quick risk/reward analysis, LUST. By hitting on this woman, you're risking your relationship with your best friend, your best friend's sister, your best friend's mom, and all future family holiday/vacation invites for the potential reward of getting into the pants of your best friend's sister once or twice. Seems like a lot to risk if you ask me, and you did. There are a lot of married bi women out there. But if Gladys has an open relationship with her husband — or if they're actively searching for a unicorn — it would be better if they made the first move. So keep flirting and live in hope.
A girl I worked with introduced me to your podcast a couple of months ago. The Savage Lovecast has made me feel a lot more comfortable about some of the things I like to do with my loving GGG boy. The calls and guest experts make me feel so much more normal, and my boyfriend loves that I've become more open about the things I want to do. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you and the tech-savvy at-risk youth do every week.
Eager Nice Girl Living In Scottish Highlands
Thanks for the lovely note, ENGLISH, and tell your boyfriend I said hello. And remember, dear readers, if you're not listening to my weekly podcast — check out our brand-new site at savagelovecast.com — you're not getting your full weekly dose of Savage Love.
Dan's new book, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics, is available now!