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What if your kinks aren't just things your second wife isn't interested in exploring, but attraction-killers?

Twenty-one-year-old female here. When we were both 14, my first boyfriend took advantage of me. One day, we were kissing with him on top of me. We were both fully clothed, and he started rubbing up against me. I didn't realize he was dry-humping me until after he had to leave to clean himself up. He never asked for permission. Once I understood what had happened, I felt violated. He'd also groped my boobs on another occasion without asking. He broke up with me a couple months later. I haven't spoken to him in seven years.

This hasn't scarred me too much. However, it's very painful to think about what happened. I also avoid having sex with someone on top of me, because it reminds me of what happened and I start panicking. I want some closure so I can move on. I don't want to report him to the police because it's not necessary — it happened so long ago. As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't rape. But I do feel like I was exploited, and it was not consensual.

I want to contact him and ask him to apologize because I feel a sincere apology would help me get over this. But he lives on the other side of the country, and I have no way of contacting him besides looking him up on Facebook. I don't think FB is the right place to talk about this. How can I get in touch with him in a way that's appropriate without having to see him?

Would've Said No

Let's game this out.

While it's possible your ex-boyfriend did this on purpose — he knew you wouldn't agree to it, he did it anyway, you feel violated because you were violated — it's also possible this was an accident. I'm not excusing his behavior, particularly the nonconsensual boob-groping, but very few boys have achieved complete mastery over their dicks by age 14. Sometimes those things go off when we do not want them to. And accidentally blowing a load in your pants is an experience most boys find deeply humiliating.

If your boyfriend was a generally decent guy, and if there's a chance this was an accident, contacting him — even via Facebook — will probably get the apology you want.

But if he was a selfish, manipulative piece of shit who took advantage of your naiveté, odds are good that he remains a selfish, manipulative piece of shit. Ask yourself how you'll feel if he responds to your request for an apology with GIFs of people laughing their asses off. If the answer is "infinitely worse," don't contact him.

P.S. Two more tips to avoid feeling worse: Don't go to the police with this, and stay out of the comments.

I am a straight male. The few times I shared fantasies with my first wife, she used them as weapons in the many battles we fought over the years. She also betrayed my trust by sharing these fantasies with others. Fast-forward to wife No. 2. She is fabulous. She is respectful of my trust issues and has helped me in getting over much of it. When she says, "I'll think about it," she really does. And the sex has been amazing. We have explored things I only dreamed about.

So what is the problem? I can't bring myself to ask her for two things that are more than bucket-list issues to me. I am a closet crossdresser. I want to make love to her in stockings and a teddy. I made this request to my ex, and it resulted in humiliation. (She even shared it with my son out of spite.) And I want us to try watersports. When this came up during marriage counseling with my first wife, the counselor accused me of degrading my marriage.

So how do I screw up the courage to ask wife No. 2 to let me dress up in women's underwear and have her pee on me? Just writing about it is making my stomach twist, but when I look into her eyes and feel the trust, I almost blurt it out. 

Pretty Under Normal Things

You love your new wife, she loves you, you're both GGG — it all sounds so good, so functional, especially compared to your first marriage. Congrats. But you held your two biggest kinks back, and now you're sweating because the stakes are so high. This is why I urge people to lay those kink cards on the table early. The longer you wait, the more emotionally invested you become, the higher the stakes. Because what if your kinks aren't just things your second wife isn't interested in exploring, but attraction-killers?

My advice: Find a way to broach the topics of crossdressing and piss play without having to admit that they turn you on, e.g., go see a drag show (drag isn't crossdressing, but it will allow you to broach the men-in-dresses subject generally) and find a porn film with one brief, not-too-hardcore piss scene and watch it together. If she reacts in a neutral or positive way, lay those last two kink cards on the table. If she reacts negatively, you might just die with those wishes unfulfilled.

Pro tip: Nervous kinksters can screw up indirect here-are-two-things-some-people-do conversations by telegraphing disgust. Someone who's into rubber says, "Isn't it weird how some people get off on wearing rubber clothes and gas masks?" The non-kinky partner picks up on the word "weird" and responds with, "Yeah, that rubber stuff is fucked up." If you set a negative tone, your wife is likely to pick up on that. So keep your reactions as neutral as possible.

My newest book — American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics — has been called one of the best books of May by Amazon.com, and Publishers Weekly says it's one of the best books of the summer. And it comes out this week. Look for American Savage in bookstores now!

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