Savage Love 

My boyfriend and I are in college and doing the long-distance thing. Over the years, he's granted me increasing freedom to be intimate with women -- I'm female, and date women while we're apart -- but I still don't have full autonomy. Lately another one of my "needs" has been eating at me: my masochism. He's repeatedly refused to let someone lay into me with a flogger.

In order to abide by the rules of his jealousy, am I missing out on a huge facet of the best years of my life? I don't even want to have anything sexual with the person who flogs me! And this might be relevant: He has the freedom to do whatever he wishes but -- God only knows why -- he never indulges in anything more than the odd vanilla woman here and there. Also, I'm not allowed to attend fetish clubs because he knows I'll make bad choices if I do (I'll play!). But the burner and fetish scenes are converging here in Los Angeles and I'm going to get in trouble soon!

University Pain Slut


You've given your boyfriend permission to do whom he wants, what he wants, when he wants. But you're not allowed to do half of humanity -- the male half -- or get your ass beat?

That hardly seems fair.

But my knees don't automatically jerk when I hear about an arrangement that appears "unfair." If Person A enjoys more "freedom" than Person B, it doesn't necessarily follow that Person B is being wronged. Some people get off on the tension that an erotic power imbalance creates. Or maybe the idea of you being with other men makes the boyfriend feel threatened, while the idea of him being with other women turns you on. If that's the case, then you're not doing something that makes him unhappy (sleeping with other men) while he's doing something that makes you happy (sleeping with other women).

But if this deal isn't working anymore, then it's time to negotiate a new, perhaps slightly fairer deal. While his insistence that you mess around only with other girls while you're apart is understandable -- I don't think it's fair, but I can understand it -- the "no flogging" rule seems ridiculously arbitrary. Battle your sexual submissiveness and negotiate from a position of strength: Tell your boyfriend that you'll continue to stick to his no-other-dudes rule if he lifts his silly flogging ban.


I'm a 21-year-old college student living in San Diego. I have some sex-related issues/questions that I'd like to talk with a counselor about. These issues are complicated -- porn consumption, sex work, ability to orgasm, etc. -- but I hesitate to go through my insurance; since I'm still on my parents' plan, that would involve me talking to my parents about this. They are very nosy and very traditional. Is my university health care something that would cover this? Would my university report back to my parents about what I was seeking counseling about?

Uneasy Collegian Seeks Discretion


Rules about patient confidentiality apply even to college students, UCSD.

"Care provided at UCSD Student Health Services and the Counseling and Psychological Services is confidential," writes Regina Fleming, director of Student Health Services at the University of California, San Diego. "We don't bill insurance for visits to Student Health, though sometimes the cost of lab tests are put on the student's account; these charges do not specify what type of tests were done. [And all] our Counseling and Psychological Services are free."


My girlfriend of four years cheated on me. I'm in college now; we've been dating since high school. She and a male friend hooked up four times when they were both drunk. This guy was supposed to be her best friend; I asked her once about their relationship, and she assured me that nothing had or ever would happen between them. That was a few weeks after she cheated on me. She rationalizes the events in a manner that makes her seem like she's not to blame and constantly tells me how much she loves me. Do I hook up with another girl and tell her about it?

Cucked Over College Kid


No, COCK, you don't hook up with another girl. You ask yourself this question: How many people over 30 do you know who are still with their high-school sweethearts? The answer is either zero or approaching zero. A breakup was inevitable-ish, and now seems like a pretty good time to pull the plug. And while your girlfriend is telling you she loves you, and while she may still have feelings for you, she's slamming her hand down on the self-destruct button because -- consciously or not -- she wants out, too.

In your advice to The Straight Best Man, you suggested that the first gay couples to legally wed in Canada and the United States ended up divorcing.

I can happily report that the first legal same-sex marriages in Canada are still going strong. A gay couple, Joe Varnell and Kevin Bourassa, and a lesbian couple, Anne and Elaine Vautour, were married in a joint ceremony on Jan. 14, 2001, at Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto. At that time, the government was still refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. So the church did an end run around the pre-authorized license requirement, using the ancient, but perfectly legal, Christian tradition of proclaiming the banns of marriage. While the government refused to register the marriages, on June 10, 2003, the Ontario Court of Appeal declared that the marriages had been legally performed. The court also ruled that a ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional.

Both couples renewed their vows in a public ceremony on their 10-year anniversaries earlier this year.

Nice Thing To Be Wrong About, Eh?


I'm happy to stand corrected and I'd like to send my belated congrats to Joe & Kevin and Anne & Elaine on the occasion of their 10th anniversaries.


Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.


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