I'm a 22-year-old FTM. I will become a legal male this summer. WOOT. Useless hole but still no pole. My friends -- all straight -- don't know I'm FTM because I don't feel it matters. I don't know any other FTMs, and I really don't care to. However, I like men. I have never had a boyfriend or been on a date. I go to gay clubs, flirt and make out with other gay men. But when I am up front about being FTM, I never hear from a guy again. When do I tell a gay man that I am not a bio male? I don't want to deceive them, but I want a chance for them to get to know me a little bit first.
No Pole, No Go
The first thing Buck Angel -- trans activist, public speaker and porn star -- wanted to say, was congrats in advance on become a legal male. The second thing Buck wanted to say was that hole of yours isn't useless.
"If he isn't familiar with my work, maybe he should check it out," said Buck (www.buckangel.com). "I get tremendous pleasure from my hole and I am comfortable sharing that with the world in my movies. Whether a transman plans on getting a penis or not, what's between his legs does not define who he is."
As for how the guys you're meeting in gay bars now feel about what is or isn't between your legs, Buck has some advice about that, too: "If he meets a guy and tells him about himself -- which is the right thing to do -- and he doesn't hear back, then that wasn't the right guy for him."
If you're not having any luck in gay bars, Buck suggests you consider online dating. "Here's a site where he can start: www.ftmlover.com. He'll see that there are tons -- and I mean TONS -- of men out there who are interested in guys like us!"
But before you start meeting those guys, Buck thinks you have to become more comfortable in your own skin. "Be proud of your body," said Buck. "When you feel confident that you are a man, no one can tell you otherwise."
Know what might help you feel more confident? Getting to know other trans guys.
"There are many reasons that someone might isolate themselves from other trans and gay people," said Ezra Goetzen, a mental-health therapist and trans community activist. "Some folks identify as male-to-male, seeing their transition as a medical procedure rather than a path to a transgender identity. Others, due to the fabulously flattering cultural/media images of trans people, internalize the shame, indifference and disgust -- and don't want to be reminded of these feelings by hanging out with other trans people."
Whatever your reason for avoiding transmen, "Being isolated from other trans folks leaves little room to find support and role models for loving yourself," said Goetzen. "And it makes getting invaluable tips on how to get laid safely and carefully harder."
You know, invaluable tips like the ones Buck provided today.
Getting married soon. We want to put a note in the invitation requesting donations to organizations fighting for marriage equality in lieu of gifts. Which organization is fighting the hardest/most effectively in your view?
Gonna Get Married
Do you have any thoughts on the male tendency, when sharing "naughty" photos, to go for a close-up shot of the penis? U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner's tweeting disaster has brought to mind recent cases where high-profile men -- such as Kanye West and Brett Favre -- sent women similar shots in an apparent attempt to seduce them. However, the response I've heard from women to such offerings can be summed up as "Ew, yuck!" Why do some men think this sort of overture would work?
Totally Confused Female
Some men think this sort of overture works because sometimes it works.
Before we get into that, a few words about Anthony Weiner. Nothing the gentleman from New York said last week made him sound like a man who hasn't taken a picture of his cock at some point and sent it to someone for some reason. Nevertheless, I'm confident that Weiner is going to beat this thing.
Watching Weinergate unfold is like watching voters getting over the politicians-who've-smoked-pot story. With pot, we went from exposure resulting in an instant resignation in 1987 (Supreme Court nominee Douglas Ginsburg) to a tacit admission being a survivable mini-scandal in 1992 (Bill "Smoked, Didn't Inhale" Clinton) to a collective shrug in 2008 (Barack "I Got High" Obama). With dirty pol pics, we've gone from instant resignation in February 2011 (U.S. Rep. Christopher "Craigslist Congressman" Lee) to a tacit admission looking like a survivable mini-scandal in June 2011 (Anthony "Beat This Thing" Weiner). At this rate, we'll be shrugging off the pics of a congressman-to-be-named-later before Labor Day.
Back to your question: The cock-shot overture doesn't work on most women, but guys who send cock shots aren't interested in most women. They're interested in the sort of women whom this sort of overture works on.
One of the women you talked to about cock shots may have thought, "Well, it depends on the guy," but told you, "Ew, yuck!" because it was clear from the "Ew, yuck!" look on your face that "Ew, yuck!" was what you wanted to hear.
Gentlemen: The existence of a handful of women who welcome cock shots does not give you license to send cock shots to all women. Cock shots are for women who have expressed a clear, unambiguous interest in receiving cock shots.
Speaking of Buck Angel: Documentary filmmaker Dan Hunt (Cruel & Unusual, Dangerous Living, Bear Run) is working on a film about Buck's life, work and activism. Hunt has been following Buck for six years and needs to raise $6,000 to hire an editor. Please help by making a donation via Kickstarter: www.tinyurl.com/3d8wmtf.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.