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I suppose you are going to call me an asshole, but I hope you have some advice.

I am a 45-year-old heterosexual male. I am currently single. I am discouraged. One reason for my discouragement: I have to get too far into a relationship before I can determine if it will work out with any particular woman. An awful lot of emotion, time and effort are required to get that first look into a woman's panties. And this is where my problem lies: If her pussy isn't bald and her "little man in the boat" doesn't fit comfortably in my mouth, I am NOT turned on. I require a shaved pussy and a big clit.

I have asked women with whom I've become close to go bald. If the answer is no, there is no need to return. I respect a woman's control over her own body, but I like a big clit. If the clit isn't big enough, there's no sense in returning. Is there a way to ask about these issues before emotion, time and effort are invested?

Call Me Asshole

 

Knowing that she could be disqualified due to the size of her clit, which she can do nothing about, or the presence of pubic hair, which she might not want to do something about, is information a woman might want before she invests a lot of emotion, time and effort in you. But there's no way to ask a woman to show you her clit or to verify her "baldness" or willingness to go bald before that crucial first date. Even women with six-inch clits who suffer from neck-down alopecia (credit: www.tinyurl.com/5vle95) will run screaming after a request like that.

It's fine to have preferences. And most people would prefer to be with someone whose preferences jibe with their attributes. But most of us would also like to think -- even if it's not true -- that our personalities are so winning that our partners would love us even if, say, our clits were tiny.

So what do you do? Since being up-front about your deal-breaking preferences would result in your never seeing another pussy again, I think you keep your mouth shut. You're just going to have to invest the time. And if you discover once you get into her pants that her clit is too small or her pussy is too hairy, make up a nice, polite, it's-not-you-it's-me lie. It wouldn't be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her, when in fact there's something wrong with you.

 

Kinky female here, age 26. I'm ridiculously turned on by guys with huge cocks. I love the way they look and feel. This isn't to say that I'd date a guy purely on cock enormity alone: I wouldn't. But I'm not sure what to do about my current situation: I'm dating someone now who shares my same values -- he's flamingly liberal and actually enjoys RuPaul's Drag Race -- but we don't have the greatest sexual chemistry. Some of it's because he's pretty vanilla, but a lot of it is that his dick is average. Can I retrain myself to accept, and even want, an average or below-average penis?

Female Phallophiliac

 

You don't say how long you've been dating this guy. If you've been fucking him for a while and you still haven't found a groove, it might be best to move on. Liberalism and RuPaul's Drag Race are nice, but they're not enough to sustain a long-term relationship.

But if you've been dating him a short time, and there's been some noticeable improvement on the chemistry front, you might want to stick around. Sometimes chemistry kicks into gear after a few weeks or months. If you dig him -- and it sounds like you do -- then he's worth the investment of a little time. 

As for the little dick, well ... how big is his forearm?

 

I'm a gay man who happens to have a small cock. When I was younger, I was often embarrassed, but I have gotten used to it.

Among my friends, small-dick jokes are common. Not directed at me, but generic jokes suggesting that guys with small dicks should always bottom, or aren't worth dating. It has begun to make me feel much more self-conscious, especially since a couple of the guys I've heard making these jokes are intimately familiar with my cock. I had a fuck-buddy relationship with one of these guys and I topped him, so I know he didn't have an issue with my size.

Is this just some self-esteem issue I need to deal with? Or should I say something, at least to the two guys I've had sex with? They are my closest friends and know that I struggled with my size when I was younger.

Sensitive Matters And Lessons Learned

 

You should definitely say something to the two ingrates you've had sex with, SMALL, and to anyone else who makes small-dick jokes in your presence. You don't have to volunteer that you have a small dick. Just point out that in any group, there are going to be guys with smaller-than-average endowments, and it's just not cool to make those guys feel bad or inadequate -- particularly when studies show that the partners of men with smaller-than-average dicks report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people whose partners have larger-than-average dicks.

 

STRAIGHT RIGHTS WATCH: Indiana's right-wing governor signed a bill that strips Planned Parenthood in that state of federal funds. This is going to lead to more abortions in Indiana, not fewer, but facts don't matter to right-wing shit-piles like Mitch "Social Issues Truce" Daniels. Now would be a good time to make a donation to Planned Parenthood of Indiana. Go to www.ppin.org, and click "Donate Now!" Then do everything you can to defeat the GOP in 2012.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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