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I am a 33-year-old married male who has a WAM -- wet and messy -- fetish. I'm into mud and clay. I have played with various substances in the bathroom over the years. It always ends with me masturbating myself into oblivion, wishing there were someone with me so we could sensuously rub against each other, etc. But I'm always alone!

I was always too shy to share this fetish with anyone until three years ago, when I told the woman I've now been married to for two years. She assured me that I should never be ashamed of any of my fantasies and that she would be glad to help me fulfill them. But when I got some clay from the art store and said that we were going to be having some fun, she acted uncomfortable. Once I got the bathtub full of the "mud," got naked  and started to coax her into the room, she totally freaked out.

Needless to say, I was mortified and disappointed. And there was $50 worth of clay in the tub that I didn't want to go to waste. So I locked her out and decided to try to make the best of it. Soon she was pounding on the door like she was jealous that I was in there pleasuring myself. I washed everything down the drain and opened the door, but it was too late. She was angry and wouldn't say anything the rest of the day. Neither of us has spoken of it since.

I still have my fantasies, but now I feel I have to hide them. So my questions are:

1. Am I some kind of a freak or weirdo?

2. Have you ever heard of this fetish before?

3. If so, why doesn't anyone else ever write to you about similar fetishes?

4. Will I ever be able to show this side of me to my wife, or should I just hide it from her forever?

Mis-Understood Dude

 

Let me get this straight: Three years ago you shared your fetish with the woman you married two years ago, and your then non-wife assured you that she wanted to help fulfill your fantasies -- but she flipped out when you filled the tub with clay. And 12 months later, you married her anyway?

I'm not endorsing the way you sprang a tub full of clay on your future wife. (Maybe she reacted badly because the bathroom was an unholy mess? Maybe you should've stopped everything when she acted uncomfortable? Maybe the sight of you half-covered in mud and fully aroused was too much, too soon?) But why on earth didn't you get to the bottom of this before you married this woman?

Sounds like you really spooked the wife-to-be, MUD, both with that "Hey, here's a tub full of clay!" move and then, when she balked, by going ahead with one of your solo mud-and-sex sessions instead of putting your orgasm on hold to inquire after the future wife's feelings about what just went down. At that moment, she may have concluded that given a choice between her and a tub full of clay, you would choose a tub full of clay -- because that's just what you did. And yet she married you anyway.

People are fucking mysteries, man. And in answer to your questions ...

1. Yes, but your kinky weirdo freakiness is charming and harmless and not anything to feel ashamed of.

2. Yes, yours is a relatively common fetish, one that exists on a continuum. Wet-and-messy play can involve substances that are harmless and represent a low barrier to entry -- mud, food, condiments, etc. -- or substances that are not at all harmless and represent an impossibly high barrier to entry, e.g., shit, vomit, snot. Your kink could be much, much more problematic.

3. Other people have. Yours isn't the first letter I've run from a weirdo freak like you.

4. You already showed this side of yourself to the wife. She knows, you know she knows, but you're both pretending not to know. To avoid becoming completely sexually estranged, TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Ask her what went wrong. How did she go from "never be ashamed ... glad to help" to pounding on doors and ignoring the mud-caked elephant in the room for more than three years?

Beg her to open up -- and apologize to her for botching it, for being so insensitive as to prioritize the clay over her feelings. And then tell her you want to work on building a healthy, honest and mutually satisfying sexual relationship, one that meets your needs and hers. But to do that, you're going to have to start communicating again.

 

I have a 15-year-old daughter. I am bisexual and work in marketing for the adult industry; both are things I explained to her when I thought she was old enough.

Recently, I returned from an adult-industry convention, where I often pick up new toys. One of my gift bags contained a petite, sparkly purple vibrator, and I thought, "It's not my style but maybe I should give it to my daughter along with a lecture on masturbation being a great alternative to sex." But even though I am an open-minded and cool mom, this thought made me uncomfortable, and I relegated the toy to my nightstand.

I figured that no teenager wants to be given a masturbatory device by a parent. Was I wrong?

Teenage Masturbation Icky

 

No, TMI, you were right: No teenager wants to be given a masturbatory device by her parent. But that doesn't mean a teenager wouldn't be delighted to have a masturbatory device. A moment of awkwardness and a little feigned teenage discomfort/disgust -- perhaps even a show of discarding the device where it could be easily retrieved after Mom apologizes -- is a price most teenage girls would be willing to pay to have a brand-new sparkly purple vibrator. (Oh, and I'm thinking she knows about your drawer full of misfit sex toys. Maybe you could just tell her that anything in there that's still in its original packaging is up for grabs.)

 

Some gay friends said that girls don't ever think a penis is cute. I started asking all the chicks I know if they think cocks can be cute. Not one said yes. Gay guys think cocks are cute.

Curious Of Cock Knowledge

 

No man's cock is cute -- well, no man's besides the man who got a Hello Kitty tattoo on the head. A cock can be hot, it can be beautiful, it can be vaguely threatening. But unless there's something very, very wrong, no man's cock is cute and no man wants to be told his cock is cute.

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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