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I am a 34-year-old straight, single female. My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I realize this would have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples. There's a sex club nearby that looks like it might cater to my fantasy, but can I just walk in off the street and bend over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people? That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. 

Take A Number

 

You could probably walk into a sex club and bend over -- lord knows some gay men do just that -- but it would be a bad idea.

But you can realize your fantasy. Most swingers clubs permit couples and single women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your pants on, introduce yourself, find a couple or two whom you click with. Share your fantasy and ask if they might be interested in helping you realize it.

Your fantasy is totally realizable -- I've seen very similar ones realized once or twice -- but the only way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering nearby. You need someone there who's making sure that men who take advantage of you in your blindfolded state have condoms on and don't attempt to do anything other than what you've consented to.

Sometimes realizing a fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief: You'll just have to pretend your guardian angels aren't there watching out for you. And if part of the fantasy is being a helpless sex object in a room full of strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one where you don't know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in advance.

 

I'm a single, straight guy who just turned 30. Never had a serious relationship, had sex twice. I wasn't ready for it emotionally until I was about 25. I'm a good-looking guy with a good job. I'm funny, independent and easygoing. But I feel like there is a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I feel like I could let someone in my life and make time for her. And another part of it is I cannot for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive. I can turn a girl I'm not attracted to beet-red, but I get tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.

What can I do to break down this wall I've put up to protect myself?

Lonely One Seeks Ties

P.S. I should probably add that I'm a submissive. Not that I'm looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but being tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells me it's OK sounds pretty awesome.

 

I'm glad you included that postscript, LOST.

Google the term "munch," along with "BDSM" and the name of the city where you live (or the nearest big city if you live in buttfucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable BDSM or sex clubs -- Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles' Threshold Society, Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture -- and nothing happens at a munch. No sex, no play, just conversation and lunch. You'll meet other kinky straight folks who are interested in what you're interested in, and you'll be forced to interact with the women there -- even the ones who typically leave you tongue-tied.

 

Serious question here: Does putting toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one's scrotum cause sterility or have any other negative health effects?

Great Balls Of Fire

 

Um ... nope. It would probably be best if the guys who've posted YouTube videos of themselves putting Bengay on their balls were all sterile, but most will sadly reproduce.

 

I'm a pretty hairy dude, and the only place that I don't like hair is my crotch. I shave my pubes pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross hairs all over my balls. The thought of accidentally cutting myself down there has deterred me from going at it with a razor, and just the idea of putting some hair-removal product down there makes me wince. Is there a safe, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this hair?

Clever Nickname Up To You

 

Um ... nope. Waxing is the way to go, but it smarts.

 

Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists and "sex experts." She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he's the douchebag?

Men shouldn't seek your advice because you're clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, but you'll take the twat's side every time. The world doesn't need another "advice professional" who sides with the woman no matter what.

Men Against Dan

 

Excuse me? I'm practically the only advice columnist who doesn't automatically leap to the woman's side in a dispute. I'm the guy who tells women that all men watch porn, that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right to cheat (just because you're not interested in sex anymore doesn't mean he has to go without). 

Sorry, MAD, and everyone else who wrote in: I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing a gay dude two years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If the roles were reversed -- husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding and wife couldn't forgive-- you can bet your clenched butts that I would've called the wife a douchebag.

For crying out loud, I've told spouses to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?

 

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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