I'm a 32-year-old female engaged to a 34-year-old man.
Some months ago, when we were both drunk, he showed me some bestiality porn and told me how much the thought of me with a dog turns him on. He confessed that he was absolutely terrified that I would leave him over this, but said he couldn't hide it any more. I was pretty inebriated at the time, and I didn't say much. We continued to watch dog-on-girl porn, which I can't say turned me off, but mainly because it turned him on so much.
Since then, he has brought up this subject when he's inebriated. I've told him that as long as this fetish remains a fantasy, I won't make an issue of it. I also told him that when I am sober, it makes me fairly uncomfortable and that it exploits the animal involved. He argued what I'm sure a lot of people into bestiality believe: It isn't cruelty or abuse if it's a male dog doing what comes instinctively. He also told me that he once had a girlfriend who allowed a dog into their sex life, him as a voyeur, her as a participant in full-on sex with the animal. At that point I changed the subject and we had good old vanilla sex with no more talk of dogs, but he was really turned on, much more so than most times we have sex. I love this man a lot, and in every other way our lives are pretty wonderful. Perhaps he drinks a bit much, but we have both cut back on drinking in the past month -- this is a commitment we have made.
The questions I have are these: Is just watching this kind of porn animal abuse? Can this really remain just a fantasy for him, or will he seek this out again?
I know that bestiality is one of the fetishes you disapprove of, but I have no one else to ask about this.
Dog Day Shafternoon
Yes, DDS, I disapprove of bestiality -- because, well, ick. And that, as dog-fuckers have pointed out to me over the years, is the same logic homophobes use to justify their bigotry. When I do go out of my way to throw the animal-lovers a bone, it's: If I were a sheep, I'd certainly rather be screwed than stewed.
But still. Ick.
Seeing as I'm biased against bestiality -- particularly dog-fuckery, as I don't understand how people even keep dogs as pets -- I'm going to recuse myself for a few paragraphs.
"In most cases the animal is willing and able," says Martin Weinberg, a professor in the department of sociology at Indiana University who has studied zoophilia. "It is difficult and dangerous to try and force an animal to do something it doesn't want to do," adds Weinberg. "However, bestiality is against the law in many states, even though I do not see it as abuse unless the animal is physically forced."
And then Dr. Weinberg makes an important point, one that your fiancé needs to take to heart: "But if the girlfriend isn't interested in watching it (or in actually participating in the act), the man should be informed that trying to force her into doing so is (to me) partner abuse." (Emphasis added.)
Catch that? While your boyfriend's interests may not qualify as animal abuse -- and many would debate that point -- hounding you about it does qualify as girlfriend/fiancée/wife abuse.
"The man this woman is talking about, as far as we know, has never had sex with animals," says Dr. Hani Miletski, author of Understanding Bestiality & Zoophilia. "He just likes to watch, which is very common. There are numerous sites online that feature bestiality, and many curious people visit them often. For some, it's just curiosity."
And for some, it's so much more.
Will your boyfriend, in Miletski's opinion, be able to let this fantasy remain a fantasy?
"It's always difficult to predict what the future will bring," says Dr. Miletski, "but my guess is that he will always use the idea of bestiality as a part, probably a major part, of his sexual fantasy. He will probably try to get his current girlfriend to go along with the fantasy and act it out ... but if she doesn't feel comfortable with that, she should continue to do and say what she has already done and said."
So what the hell do you do?
I know what I would do: If my partner could get it up only while images of dogs fucking my ass danced in his head, that would be a deal-breaker right there. But you're more compassionate or indulgent, I guess, and you sound inclined to stay with this guy. And when drunk, DDS, you sound like you might be tempted to give your fiancé what he wants. ("I can't say [it] turned me off, but mainly because it turned him on so much," though "when I am sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable.")
So here's how things are gonna play out if you stay with this dude: He's going to bring this up again and again, and his commitment to cutting back on booze will be undermined by what booze allows him to do -- lower his inhibitions enough to go there -- and by what booze allows you to do (i.e., contemplate fucking dogs with some level of comfort).
I'm not saying you shouldn't stay. But you gotta know what you're signing up for: At the very least, you will be indulging him in dog-on-girl -- or dog-in-girl or dog-in-you -- dirty talk on a regular basis. And he will live in hope that, if you talk about this long enough, if he gets drunk and begs you often enough and can manage to get you drunk enough, you will one day go there.
Don't say you weren't warned.
I love my husband. But he won't eat it. Absolutely won't lick me down there. I do everything for him! We've even started ass play, with me sticking a finger in his ass while I blow him.
But I've gone without oral for 15 years! I've explained to him that I can't come -- not hard! -- without it. He insists that he never will go there and he has accused me of trying to make him do something totally against his moral code. I'm distraught to the point of wanting to cheat on him. What do I do?
Unlicky In Love
Cheat on him already, UIL.
And while you're searching for a man who'll go down on you -- perhaps you can make an "eat-it-and-beat-it deal," i.e., oral and JO only, with one of the many married men out there whose wives won't let them eat it? -- I'm going to go online and Google "moral codes." I'm curious about this mysterious moral code your husband cites, one that permits a finger up the butt during a blowjob but forbids cunnilingus. I know it's not a Catholic thing -- I was an altar boy -- but maybe it's a Mormon delusion, like magic underpants and coffeephobia and "Mitt Romney 2012."