It probably sounded good when director Garry Marshall pitched it: Take a bunch of stars and make 'em work a two-hour mash-up of a sitcom and New Year's Rockin' Eve With Ryan Seacrest. But whoever green-lit this yawn-fest of a unfunny comedy must have missed Marshall's Valentine's Day, which was the exact same bloated rom-com turd, but set in Los Angeles.
New Year's Eve takes place in New York City (shot on location, at least), over a surprisingly unfrantic Dec. 31. (No traffic or security problems, and both time and space seem suspended for your convenience!) The film follows several interlaced storylines, covering every conceivable Hallmark moment: birth, death, marriage, adolescence, break-ups, make-ups, quitting jobs, getting jobs and long-distance romance. (Hey Garry, you left out the still-in-love old people!) Everything turns out exactly as you've seen on TV before.
Marshall is so lazy he can barely be bothered to give his cast any fresh material. So we get Jon Bon Jovi playing a singer, Sofia Vergara reprising her role from Modern Family, Robert DeNiro as a meanie and Ashton Kutcher as that cute guy next door. (Weird bonus: The film features two Cat Women -- Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry.) The resolution for this New Year's Eve: Stay home.