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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

And now, a word from Rick Santorum

Posted By on Wed, Aug 20, 2008 at 10:46 AM

One of the benefits of being a reporter is that you end up on the e-mail lists of every right-wing whack job in the tinfoil-hat brigade. Which means that when former Sen. Rick Santorum recently used a conservative e-mail list to call his comrades to the ramparts, I got the message too -- addressing me as a "Friend of Marriage," no less.

Dated Aug. 17, Santorum's message is a plea to support the National Organization of Marriage, which bills itself as "a mission to protect marriage and the faith communities that sustain it"

And judging from the image on the site's homepage, marriage has the power to take your love and enrich it ... until it turns you into a septuagenarian white person. Who can deny its value as an institution?

click to enlarge faceofmarriage.jpg

But with Santorum's plea comes a warning: "Unless we act today, we will lose the battle for marriage -- not a decade from now, not 'someday,' but quite possibly in the next few months."

What makes the threat so dire? A recent ruling by the California Supreme Court, which held that an anti-gay-marriage referendum was unconstitutional and had to be thrown out.

But the threat to marriage isn't just in California! Santorum warns us that those damned gay-rights activists are "pushing the battle first where the secular left is strongest ... even in my home commonwealth, Pennsylvania."

Nice to see Santorum still claiming Pennsylvania as his home, no matter where his family actually lives. It's even nicer to find out that the secular left is strongest here in Pennsylvania. What a relief. I guess Obama's got this baby locked up, and we can start the victory party now. Sodomy all around!

In a way, it must be satisfying for Santorum to believe this too. After all, it would mean he lost his 2006 re-election bid not because he was completely out of touch with average Pennsylvanians, or because he shamelessly flogged the inert body of Terri Schiavo rather than deal with healthcare for the rest of us. No, Santorum lost because of the all-powerful secular left.

Indeed, as Santorum warns me and my fellow friends of marriage, "[W]hile we are tending to our jobs, going to church, and raising our families, a handful of wealthy gay men are plotting ways to use their giant fortunes to reshape the entire American political landscape in their own image."

That's right: GAYS ARE SPENDING BILLIONS TO TURN VOTERS QUEER.

As evidence, Santorum cites an Atlantic Monthly article from 2007. That article reveals a sinister conspiracy in which wealthy gays are -- brace yourself -- making campaign contributions. Or as Santorum breathlessly quotes the story reporting, gay leaders are spending money to defeat conservatives "who were building their careers on antigay policies, before [those politicians] achieve national influence."

Stop the presses! Apparently, rich people are spending money to affect the outcome of the electoral process! Next thing you know, they will be trying to gain influence over K Street lobbyists.

Of course, Santorum is so strident about the dangers of political fundraising because … he's trying to raise political funds. The whole point of his letter is to seek financial support for the National Organization of Marriage's "State Action Plan." As Santorum writes, "I know politicians ... and nothing gets their attention like the possibility of a competent, well-funded campaign to let voters know how they really vote!"

But sadly, while the "gay millionaires are writing big checks," he says, "most Republican donors are afraid to take on this issue."

Yeah, dammit. When will Republicans find the courage to contribute large sums of money to promote their philosophies? Where are my fellow "friends of marriage" today? Pennsylvania needs them, as surely as it needs such marriage-friendly Republicans as John McCain and our own Don Sherwood!

Richard Mellon Scaife! Rick Santorum calls for aid! You believe so strongly in marriage that you've done it twice, and are even now undergoing the paperwork that will someday enable you a third chance to enjoy that blessed institution! You will spend millions on your ex-wife; can't you spend a few bucks encouraging the rest of us to take marriage seriously?

As Santorum's letter explains explains, supporting NOM "is the start of something really big and new... It's a whole new model for getting politicians to do the right thing on traditional values."

And if right-wingers don't campaign on those values, God forbid, they may start having to live them. You've been warned.

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